As Certain as Death (2023) User Reviews

I Don't Know What the Other Reviewers Are Smoking...

[jmckay-46119 · 1/10 · 20 July 2023]

To rate this more than a 1, but I wish I would have had some before watching this piece of junk.

I have watched a lot of bad horror movies and this one is definitely one of them. Quite honestly, I only watched it because Mose and Cookie from Ned's Declassified are in it, but Jesus what a hunk of junk.

There is absolutely nothing to make you care about ANY of the characters, it was slow and boring and had absolutely no build up to any action (which there was none).

Girl's boyfriend is an addict. In order to save their relationship, she and her sister decide to invite 2 of his friends(?) over and tell him they are taking him to a cabin for an intervention. Drug dude is a first class dick head, even more so than someone who is actually an addict.

One the way there, they have to stop and camp overnight. Out from nowhere, some random guy wanders into their camp spouting nonsense about 'the Father' bringing him to them to save them, blah blah blah.

What happens after is just a bunch of lame kills, some off-screen, with no rhyme or reason until the random dude is killed by the final girl. Then it ends...and that is honestly the best part of the movie.

The movie is 79 minutes...you meet the whack job about 52 mins in and all of the killing takes place between 62 and 74 mins, except the final one happening at the very end.

DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME. OR DO, THEN COME BACK AND TELL ME I'M WRONG, WHICH YOU WON'T...

Absolute dross.

[suzannebainbridge · 1/10 · 27 July 2023]

Just horrible. Those who have given this film decent scores must be paid to leave good reviews or know someone in the cast/crew as this is just a bad film.

Basically a group of unpleasant people take even more unpleasant drug addled friend to camp out in the forest as an intervention.

Looks like they meet a "God fearing" madman and it looks like he's going to be killing them one by one and I for once Thank God for that. If you want to see that you can literally scroll through the first 55 mins to the last 10-15mins.

Honestly just a bad boring drudge of a film and yet I still have to say more to fill out the word count...go wash the dishes or sweep the floor in your home as it will be more interesting and productive than watching this piece of rubbish.

This thing is truly offensive.

[AlexanderAnubis · 21 July 2023]

Not only because of the cheap, crummy, careless cinematography.

(If you're going to use the live footage on a 'phone crap, and actually go to the trouble of having girlfriend explain to Drugboy that she has set the 'phone opposite him "to make a record," when you shift to the reverse shot filmed in standard manner, either set up a phone on a stand in the scene or frame it so the audience doesn't see that the space between the two actors is empty.)

Not only because Mr. Dano didn't bother to write a real script, so much of the dialogue is clearly ad-libbed, (not "improvised" as improvisation implies at least some consideration and talent), and pointless: Several rambling minutes on the existence and excellence of Pizza Fries. (This idiocy might have been a bit redeemed if the character had explained which industrial solvents he used to clean the cheese, oil and crumbs out of his beard.)

Not only because the thing is assembled from rusty, old parts that don't even fit together...

An "Intervention." Right. Let's see:

Up front, the female lead, while cataloguing her trials and tribulations with addict boyfriend, explains to Sis how she put him through rehab multiple times "at nice places." Of course, this makes all the subsequent stuff about how Drugboy must accept that he "has a problem, etc." as though he has to face it for the first time not only trite but ludicrous.

But that nonsense is kind of eclipsed by having two-thirds of the folks doing the intervention spend most of the time letting Drugboy know that they actively dislike him. Pizzabeard really goes all the way, explaining that he, (Pizzabeard), does not consider Drugboy worthy to live merely because Pizzabeard's brother is dead.

Not only because Mr. Dano attempts to distract the viewer from noticing that his opus is almost entirely content-free by shifting the setting from motel room, to automobile interior, to the woods, for no particular dramatic or narrative reason.

Again, the dialogue includes a statement that the trip is to a house in the country which arguably could make sense: i.e. Do the intervention in a place isolated from distractions and temptations.

HOWEVER, while we see the outside of a house that is all closed up, the cast trudges on by to set up a makeshift camp in THE FOREST.

What happened, Mr. Dano? Did one of the executive producers realize what a bunch of incompetents you and your crew are and wisely decide NOT to let you use their home as a location?

Of course, you still had to shift things to the country to serve the ridiculous, lazy ending that you tacked on just to get rid of the whole mess: A random "religious" nutjob.

Good God. Was that a real poncho he was wearing or was that a Sears poncho? Cosmik debris, indeed.

Most of this is almost par-for-the-course. What really stinks is how lousy the sound is: not just the recording, but also cast members, who seem to know nothing about diction and enunciation, repeatedly dropped the register to inaudible levels in the middle of sentences.

There is absolutely no way this wasn't recognized during production. The fact that you, and your production staff, allowed this to remain without correction before presenting it for consideration indicates a degree of carelessness I really can't understand. Did you not want people to hear your words?

Many filmmakers have little respect for their audience, but you seem to have outright contempt.

There is a concept in US civil law, (and I'm sure in other legal theories, as well), known as warranty of merchantability. The idea is that if you are selling something, it should be fit for the purpose for which it is intended. For instance, if you buy a car, you have a right to expect that the steering and brakes will function, even if the manufacturer doesn't specifically say that they will, because without them you don't have a working automobile.

Since the advent of synchronized sound in the late 1920s, it has become a standard of motion picture production to have working sound. One can excuse a great deal of carelessness and incompetence by calling it "style" and ducking under the heading of artistic license, but the lack of audible sound is a genuine manufacturing defect and renders the product unfit for sale and consumption.

The only thing worse is the fact that the services that charge the audience money to transmit this unfit product seem to have just as much, or even more contempt for their customers. Does no one at these companies review the product by actually watching it?

Maybe it's time for a class action.

XYZ.

The missing kiss! Good not bad.

[BiancaM2017 · 5/10 · 18 July 2023]

Okay, Hutch Dano is someone who I used to adore on tv! The Ned's D Classified crew totally made a comeback on this one.. but without Devon Werkheiser :(. As Certain could have been a lot better however it was still good just not what I expected coming from a child actor. People need to realize that this movie consisted of foul language that pushed some boundaries. Totally get it though! How else are you going to save someone from their disparity other than forcing them to go to the woods and detach? And OMG Daniel Curtis Lee had his moment under the stars, that was a perfectly romantic scene then ruined by the creepy howling of the man in the woods. I wish they stayed alive for one more night! Ugh cringe.. Cant wait for the next one!!

Scarier than Disney's Coco

[iamvictorsalazar · 10/10 · 15 July 2023]

Grab some popcorn and add generous butter because it is going to be a nail-biting experience otherwise... or don't and just believe me when I say, "scary."

Love the cast, and did not expect this direction ... but then again Nickelodeon does love to push the envelope when it comes to genre. From Nick's "Ned's Declassified", to Disney's "Zeke & Luther" you see the lights, camera, and action like never before breaking into horror. This isn't a walk in the park or rather the school.

What a production! Hutch does an incredible job acting and if you're skating through this I'll close with - GOOD LUCK!!!

AHHHHHHH!

Slow burn into chaos!!! Great film!!!

[thejenniejeon · 10/10 · 14 August 2023]

This film tackles the harsh reality of drug addiction and its effects of those whose lives are impacted. The characters are believable and relatable and you truly feel for each in their own struggle.

Richard's character though seemingly irredeemable through the majority of the film breaks your heart as you see what really drove him to the point of addiction. His reasoning, which I will not spoil in full here, is one that will strike a cord in your heart. His inner psyche echoed by that of his father whose passing seems to have been a catylist for events in the film as well.

Each character is a personification for different stages grief and mourning.

As someone who has lost those close themselves due to addiction as well as mental illness this film was all too real in the slow burning beginning which laid rhe foundation for its riveting and terrifying ending.

Kinda educational

[tomtomtom-73762 · 19 July 2023]

After watching this bro Hutch Dano really made me think about the people who are going through change. Kayla is clearly the one who is facilitating the intervention, shes taking the oath. When something like addiction, struggle, and disparity pops up in someone going alone is not a option. I knew someone who had the same problem and its kinda like building a fountain form scratch just trying to change someone. Teenagers and young adults are exposed to a lot of stuff and some make bad decisions, you see it on the news. The script/characters did their best to help by sympathizing, bringing up past memories and even cracking jokes.

Spooky and wicked!

[Spencer-love · 8/10 · 18 July 2023]

This movie should for sure categorize perfectly with all of the most recent Netflix spooks like; The Fear Street Series, Vampires vs the Bronx, Night Teeth and The rental. Most movies like the ones mentioned above came out during and a bit after COVID-19. Netflix probably had a phase to put out as many Halloween like movies as they can. The light horror, funny jokes, and wicked storyline makes this one spooky. Summing it up to be pretty entertaining. I like how a person from the woods of Big Bear(the filming location) appears leaving the audience to questioning. Coming to find out that he was the one who stopped the main character from breaking old habits.