jet66 Reviews

The Irishman (2019)

The K-Tel "Best of" Mafia 8-Track

[3/10 · 3 December 2019]

I'll just get to the point, because Scorsese hasn't been able to do so in a very long time. This movie takes the life out of crime. All of your favorite mob cos-players phone in the same old characters they've played for half a century. But in defense of their work, how could they care about dialogue like: "I'm your brother." "Are you my brother?" "I'm your brother." "But are you my brother?" "Yeah...I'm you're brother."

Wait, there's more. Countless classics such as:

"Talk to the little guy." "You mean the litltle guy?" "Yeah, the little guy." "The little guys?" "Yeah, the little guy." "From the place by the lake?" "Which lake?" "You know, the lake."

Evidently, this movie follows the real biography of a dangerous trucker-turned hitman. But Scorsese doesn't spend even a moment on the man's psychological evolution from one role to the other. It's just a series of mob-crime vignettes, with no story.

The next time Scorsese bellyaches about action movies, someone should remind him to add action to his movies.

In the Tall Grass (2019)

In the Tall Crap

[3/10 · 20 October 2019]

I don't know if the original novella was a lazy jumble of half-baked ideas, but this piece of story salad sure is. If you like disconnected character development, unintelligible plot twists and unexplained time travel, wrapped around big, steaming piles of enigma, then this is the movie for you. Though well-acted, this Canadian snooze-o-rama begs the question: who honestly cares?

31 (2016)

Zombie Crowdsources Crap

[3/10 · 4 February 2019]

Unlikeable characters spew ugly dialogue, get chased and murdered by lazily-written killer cliches. Sheri Moon Zombie wears a tight t-shirt. The end.

Fortunately for Rob Zombie, this cartoon exercise is made almost watchable by great (if often over-the-top) acting , and good cinematography.

Crowsnest (2012)

Canadian Sewage Soufflé

[1 July 2017]

Every time a toilet lozenge like Crowsnest floats across my screen, I think "Hurray! The final nail in the Found-Footage coffin." But given that Found-Footage is built around cheap production value, there'll always be another film student tossing another steaming heap of footage on this craptastically cliché genre, where we suspend our disbelief of multiple camera-operators shooting every moment while they run for their lives.

Leaving aside the format, and ignoring the horrendous After Effects post-production gimmicks (can't anyone do practical blood squirts on set anymore?), this movie is a crime against film-making for 3 reasons:

• Almost 1/2 is stupid back-story about stupid people on a stupid beer run • The plot is a mash-up of The Hills Have Eyes and Duel (but with an RV!) • You've read better dialogue on Twitter, from nicer people.

That said, the acting is not terrible, and the music is awesome. Well, one-half of that is true, and you can decide which.

Bullet (I) (2014)

.44 Caliber Crap

[3/10 · 2 May 2014]

Danny Trejo is the reigning king of the B's. And I'll watch anything he's in, no matter how poorly-written, no matter how amateurishly-directed, and no matter how ridiculously, incoherently edited.

And that's the sloppy road Nick Lyon haphazardly lays for the undemanding fan of very familiar plots. So if you really don't care about utterly absurd, incredibly illogical, and comically lazy story lines, the entry-level acting might not even register. But on the way to the traditional "Commando"-like action-movie denouement every 12-year-old boy expects, you'll ask yourself:

• Why is there always a long-haired, German super-villain lieutenant in organized crime? • How did Frank Marasco's car just happen to be where he needed it? • How can two bad guys with handguns out-shoot a squad of body-armored, assault- rifle-toting cops? • Why am I watching this to the predictable end?

Well, I can at least answer the last question: so you can hear Danny Trejo bark the immortal line, "This is America! Speak Mexican!"

The Dirties (2013)

Teenage Pain is Painfully Dull

[3/10 · 30 April 2014]

A tedious exploration of high school alienation, this glacially-paced geek-fest is more attentive to movie meta-references than the purported subject of bullying. At best, Matt Johnson and Owen Williams seem to be trying to answer the unposed questions: "Dude! What if Quentin Tarrantino re-made Gus Van Sant's 'Elephant?' Yo, wouldn't that be sweeeeet?" Sadly for them, it takes more than appropriating scripted conversation and tossing off pop culture references to create interesting dialog. And it requires characters with greater emotional range to plumb the depths of high school bullying. At the same time the writers shamelessly exploit the Columbine tragedy for a wafer-thin story arc. Any of these demerits could have been excused if the end product weren't as boring as your worst detention hall.

While the acting is at times excellent, the direction is a largely listless journey though pointless scenes. The visual tedium is occasionally lifted through that 30-year-old cliché, the shaky-cam. But since it's not part of any "found footage," and since many of the shots are from hidden vantages (such as through windows and just behind desks), it implies a voyeur's perspective that doesn't match any bit of the story. And in the end, the only interesting parts of this painfully familiar material are the confusing narrative disconnections.

The Last Push (2012)

Space: The Tedious Frontier

[4/10 · 13 April 2014]

Here's another movie you've seen before - if you're old enough to remember every iteration of the Robinson Crusoe mythology, or went to a high school film class. From Mr. Robinson Crusoe to Cast Away, and Robinson Crusoe on Mars, as well as 2001 and Silent Running, this story has been told many times before.

The plot? In a nutshell, isolated astronaut goes nuts. On the plus side, Khary Payton does an acceptable job of on-camera work. On the other hand, his voice-overs could use work. In the end, it's an OK movie for a hangover, since it's intellectually and emotionally undemanding. On the other hand, you could turn the channel to a bass fishing show.

The Haunting of Helena (2012)

Take a bite out of mime

[3/10 · 17 February 2014]

Hilariously awful, this dreadful march of wooden actors would sink under its own awfulness if it weren't for the bizarre lynch-pin: children's teeth. Yes, oral obsession seems to be the focus for the TWO directors of this otherwise tedious movie. The "story," such as it is, is almost Dada-esque with its disconnected narrative twists. And through it all, the audience is pressed to be frightened through profoundly cliché music and sound design (such as big musical explosions with quick camera movements). Meanwhile, the only element keeping the whole enterprise afloat is the one thing you can count on in movies today: good (though stylistically inconsistent) cinematography. All in all, a good drinking movie.

After the Dawn (2012)

A Community Theater Production of The Road

[2/10 · 27 January 2014]

After sitting through the first five minutes of this sad waste of catering, you'll know exactly how the producer pitch meeting went:

"Shelby, baby, it's a no-brainer. It's Cormack McCarthy's 'The Road,' but with zombies. And we have a woman kicking zombie ass."

"Zombie's schmombies. Just make sure there's a kid. I'm not paying for hotels, so no cast or crew from outside of Wisconsin. And gimme 90 minutes or I'm puttin' you on wrestlin' pictures. Morty, send the next clowns in."

And lucky us, we get to dine on a smorgasbord of left-over cinematic entrails from all-to-familiar end-of-the-world movies. At the same time, we get to scratch our heads over riddles such as:

• Why does Cassie - played by an American actress, and presumably American because her brother (in flashbacks) is American - have a British accent?

• How is Cassie able to fight off fast-moving undead without ninja powers?

• How is it that in a post-apocalyptic world, where food is scarce, everyone - from zombies to the orphan kid - look like they've had IVs of extra-lardy gravy in their arms for the last six years?

Sadly, these questions must stay on hold, as we listen to Cassie's over-wrought internal monologue - which is no substitute for the spare, bleak words we hear from Viggo Mortenson in The Road. It's like we're being subjected to the diary kept for her therapy sessions. Meantime, the only dialog comes from the occasional "quirky" characters in the post-apocalyptic landscape, as well as the Boy's wooden delivery of pseudo-profundities well beyond his purported years.

I'd like to have enjoyed the awfulness of this movie - because it truly is a awful - but the utterly lazy film-making not only suck ideas from better film makers, but also the fun out of the viewing.

The Open Door (2008)

Frighteningly awful

[10 November 2013]

I don't know about you, but I'm getting pretty tired of 30-year-olds pretending to be teen aged clichés. And this steaming cinematic extrusion packs in most of Canoga Park's middle-aged bartenders and wait staff into one long, unintentionally hilarious carica-turd of high school archetypes terrorized by...oh who cares? I mean, really, if you can stop laughing at grown adults pretending to be misunderstood adolescents, you'd be bored by the plodding mash-up of the Wishmaster, When a Stranger Calls, and a plethora of cursed-media movies (like The Ring). Seems the producers spent their entire budget on by-the-numbers post- production effects you've seen a million times before, and stock sound effects.

In the end, it's an unintentionally entertaining wad of poor acting and amateurish direction, wrapping disconnected plot ideas and an obtuse sense of contemporary dialog. If you're as high as the producers who green-lit this thing, then this is the movie for you. Just try not to wonder how "high school students" have male pattern baldness.

Twixt (2011)

A Tale Full of Make Up, Signifying Nothing

[4/10 · 8 November 2013]

Francis Ford Cuppola is one of the greatest wine and film makers that makes both wine and film. Yeah, so, there's that going for the film. Also? The cast - well, they picked up a paycheck and delivered the goods. What's left is the story, which is one of those personal indulgences that means a great deal to a semi-retired Godbots like Cuppola, and nothing to the rest of us.

In a nutshell, it makes no sense. I mean, genuinely, this movie is full of arty pretensions, but in the end has no message whatsoever. But it's very well filmed. Who doesn't love desaturated film accented with After Effects channels? And Bruce Dern. No one screws with Bruce Dern.

Glue (2006)

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit huffing glue

[4/10 · 29 March 2013]

If you enjoy the beauty of well-crafted post-production visual effects lulling you to a hypnotic stupor, then this is the undemanding film for you. If not, you could also catch up on your email while pretending to watch it. Either way, you know that a talented After Effects artist made a day-rate to slap on all the aesthetic milestones of the late 90s - from jittery faux 8MM to film burn, dust and plenty of noise.

As if spawn from Gus Van Sant's forehead, this movie follows attractive faux-teens around as they awkwardly attempt to converse through unscripted dialogue. On the plus side, all of these 20-somethings are talented actors, and they push through this sorry morass of nothing like knives through hot, buttery glue. On the other hand, like sailing through a sea of mucilaginous kreplach, it takes just short of forever to putter through to something like a narrative conclusion. But make no mistake - the termination of what passes for a story in "Glue" is not a climax, but more of a but an exhausted collapse. With little in the way of dialogue to pollute the vacuum of story in this movie, it's a wonder any of the actors didn't fall to its toxic tediousness.

Alien Dawn (2012)

Lame Retread

[1/10 · 10 March 2013]

For every interpretation of H.G. Wells' "War of the Worlds" — from the radio broadcast and the movies, to the TV series — one could safely rely on consistency: interesting, if not always likable protagonists bearing witness to the near extinction of humanity at the three-fingered hands of aliens motoring around in tripod war machines firing death rays with a distinctive "pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew" sound. In fact, no matter how each version changed with location, hero or narrative device, the ray guns and tripods have been mandatory (often, using the same sound effects Byron Haskin's created for the 1953 movie). And just as consistently, every movie and TV producer since has as least acknowledged H.G. Wells' in a story credit.

That is, until Neil Johnston dropped this steaming pile of dark matter onto our planet. Perhaps that's just as well. Why besmirch a great legacy with this amateurish entry?

In a jumble of styles — which simply HAS to include some found-footage video journalism — the writer/director lifts from a variety of other sources as well. Most obviously, Dawn of the Dead, and the 1984 version of Red Dawn. Perhaps the only redeeming quality is including the word "Dawn" in the title, so the viewer might mistake this as some kind of homage.

You might think that despite the crushing familiarity of the material, you could find a morsel of entertainment. Perhaps you have a fondness for cheaply-rendered 3D and quickly executed After Effects. But if you love clumsy hack writing, this is the movie for you. Betraying even less skill with dialog than he does with with plagiarizing plot, the director creates a world of bickering, unlikeable morons you don't care anything about. And they're often sputtering ill-considered truisms from other films. For example, after one character theorizes that the invading aliens are changing our terrestrial environment to suit their biological needs, a key character solemnly - and unironically - declares, "It's called 'Terraforming.'" Indeed. And Alien Dawn isn't the product of film-making, but rather "movie-forming."

The Lost Tribe (2010)

Not a Movie Made By Intelligent Design

[2/10 · 21 February 2013]

Don't expect expect Lance Henriksen to work any major skills on this throw-away title. Putting in a total of 5 minutes on screen for a ridiculous subplot about an anti-scientific conspiracy within the (presumably Roman Catholic) "Church," Hollywood's go-to villain- for-hire phones it in for a paycheck.

And yet the film makers - who clearly missed the 1950 Papal encyclical stating there's no conflict between evolution and RC faith - waste the actors time and our patience on the abundantly absurd idea that finding the missing link - in the Americas, no less - is worth sending a hit-team after anthropologists. And that somehow, this species is still alive, and larger and more powerful than modern humans and (as is obvious to anyone who's taken high school biology), simian predecessors.

But this preposterous back story - which could have been ditched for a perfectly serviceable mutants-on-an-island movie - represents the only original idea here. A boatload of yuppie monster fodder crashes on an island. They're attacked by unseen mutants. You're better off wasting money on The Killer Shrews. At least you won't be annoyed by monsters barking faux Klingon, and all the Predator plagiarism (unseen killers in the trees; infra-red mutant point-of-view; and a protagonist blending in by being covered with muck).

On the plus side, the acting is competent, and the photography is pretty good. The mutant makeup is excellent. And yet, as Steven King notes in one of his essays, better stories never show the monster.

Android Insurrection (2012)

Small Wonder had more convincing robots

[2/10 · 31 December 2012]

A truly magnificent work of unintentional comedy, Android Insurrection is an astonishingly incompetent piece of film making. Sandwiched between opening and closing jumbo-sized slabs of expository monologue, the story is a fairly straight-forward military fantasy. Per contemporary convention, there's an elite team of arrogant meat-heads and hot babes who are the last line of defense against The Threat - in this case, robots. Of course, there are complications, and at least one major character discovery that anyone can see from the beginning of the movie.

Through the course of this tediously familiar journey, the actors stumble over dialog that doesn't serve to advance any story, but really just create argumentative conflict (often, lifting classic lines such as "skin job," and "nuke it from space"). And since we never really learn anything about most of the cannon fodder here, we don't really care when meat hits the fan. Which is frequently.

I'm no military expert, but if I were in a fire fight, I'd probably duck when the shooting starts. But not this "elite team." Sluggishly reacting against computer generated targets that were added later, the cast look as energized as my grandfather putting on the 4th hole at Leisure World. I'd like to blame that all on director Bellware giving his actors nothing but a green screen to act against. But these people can't even carry convincing conversation with one another. It doesn't help that the commanding colonel barks orders with a hilariously awful, stage-comic German accent (and why German, anyway?). But then, there's the red- haired android - a sort of eye-candy slurry of Cherry 2000's Melanie Griffith and the Fifth Element's Leeloo - who combines a clumsy interpretation of robot mannerisms with Valley Girl up-talking. Then again, maybe that really is "artificial intelligence."

In the end, though, there is one nutritious lump in this otherwise thin gruel: the technology design. The non-humanoid robots are really imaginative, and interesting to look at. But they don't carry a movie. Google some still shots, instead.

Head Trauma (2006)

Imaginative, Spectral Thriller

[6/10 · 31 December 2012]

George is a troubled homeless man, returning home after 20 years. And to an empty house trashed by squatters and host to terrifying visions of violence. On a seemingly Sisyphean quest to clean up the house and earn it a reprieve from municipal demolition, George is more effective at uncluttering an old mystery.

Head Trauma is a great indie with plenty of moodiness. The alcoholic loner, George Walker could have been rendered with repellent creepiness; yet Vince Mola is superb at playing him as a sympathetic victim of horrific circumstance. The rest of the performances range with varying success.

Unfortunately - as is true of so many low-budget movies - sound design replaces any music, and it's mixed to push the visual scares. At the same time, one strains to hear the dialogue, which could have been recorded through a box of Kleenex.

The bleak cinematography is well-shot, though the visions are over-tweaked with After Effects. But no matter how much effort was put into the visual editing, we are still missing considerable back-story. And that's a serious omission given the ending.

All in all, it's worth a watch.

The Vineyard (1989)

At least there's no bargain-basement CGI

[3/10 · 29 December 2012]

Maybe you've always wondered, "what would it be like to cross Big Trouble in Little China with Enter the Dragon, and maybe added zombies?" If you have, then here's your ridiculous varietal.

Reprising his role as a mysterious, magical, and ancient Chinese sorcerer, James Hong is a successful, supernatural vintner on a secluded island, with a small army of martial arts henchmen ready for his every evil command. Naturally, his villainy is all about killing hotties to keep him immortal. And for some reason, zombies are essential to his vineyard. Also necessary for the fermentation is a fresh kill in the wine vat. I'm no enologist, but I think there's easier ways to make tastier wines - and more coherent plots for better movies.

The "special effects" are the special needs children of film making, largely involving cut- aways to rubber masks. The few martial arts scenes are without any grace or choreography. And while the plot premise could have been promising, its execution is truly disappointing.

But, If you like crapulent acting, hilariously awful dialog and cheesy synth soundtracks from the 80s, this movie could be your Chateauneuf du Poo.

The Fields (2011)

As exciting as watching corn grow

[3/10 · 29 December 2012]

A long and winding road leading nowhere, The Fields is a mish-mash of disconnected set pieces with no real plot. While the desaturated cinematography and moody design set a general tone of gloom, and much of the acting is solid, The Fields focuses on fragmented back story, rather than a beginning, a middle, and an end. There's no connection between Steven's parents' domestic disputes and Steven's meanderings around the farm. So why did the producers even follow that storyline? Of course, one could ask the same question about any aspect of this "mystery," and ultimately, about The Fields itself. 5 points for competence, but -2 for making me waste my time.

Side Sho (2007 Video)

The Swamp Has Eyes

[2/10 · 9 December 2012]

This utterly forgettable addition to the White Trash Terror genre covers all the old clichés, adding no new ideas, and even less suspense. With clockwork inevitability, you know that any flashlight beam will reveal a body; any race across a field will involve bear traps; any utterance of "everything will be OK" is an ignition key for immediate violence; and that villains die ironically. The direction is incompetent, building up absolutely no suspense for the formulaic scenes. Rather than react naturally to a threat, all the women simply must start screaming hysterically. Of course, the slowly approaching murderer will never actually reach his victims. Of course, the troublesome outboard motor will come to life at the last second, and be used as a weapon. Of course, like all superlative victims, the fatuous bubblehead wears a target from the beginning. Of course the parents commit the ultimate sacrifice. Of course there's a false ending. It's as if the script were bought from some film maker's 99-Cent Store. Thankfully, that detracts from the performances, which range from the occasionally solid, to the more consistently awful.

The Initiation (1984)

Delta Ro is Just So So

[2/10 · 24 October 2012]

An undemanding 80's slasher, The Initiation features plenty of mediocre acting, clumsy and unintentionally hilarious violence, and gratuitous, pulchritudinous shower nudity. Despite several red-herrings tossed in, and a lame twist at the end, the mystery central to the plot is not terribly cryptic, with the story arc telegraphed within the first 30 minutes or so. Daphne Zuniga's range blossoms from horrible to passable, while Deborah Morehart shows as almost as much verisimilitude as nipple. Through extremely limited screen time, Clu Gulager and Vera Miles give this movie undeserved credibility.

Never straying from the patented formula for blood-drenched success, The Initiation would definitely be at home as a DVD wedged under an unbalanced table leg, if not stuffed into a slasher-completist's collection of Greek organization serial killer movies.

Beyond the Door III (1989)

Hellishly Bad Filmmaking

[2/10 · 22 October 2012]

If you enjoy hilariously awful occult movies, then this might be entertainment for you. Magnificently incompetent on every level, this film features some truly absurd special effects, awkward and amateur acting, clumsy dialogue, and a very disjointed narrative. You know that common sense was left by the wayside in the first 5 minutes, when a loose construction beam on a forward-moving truck flies backward at a sudden stop. Given the theft from better movies (Terror Train, Horror Express, etc.), the mumbo jumbo here could have at least relied on a suspenseful story. But we know well in advance the final stop for this steaming cinematic movement, with the ending telegraphed at least an hour before.

The Burrowers (2008)

Pretty Good Western Monster Story

[5/10 · 21 October 2012]

Kind of resembling a Cormack McCarthy story, The Burrowers opens with an unflinching look at racial violence in the Old West. The director takes time to weave a tale of mysterious disappearances on the frontier, which are initially thought to be the work of Native Americans. The true culprits are not human at all, but that only becomes clear after men have shown themselves capable of inflicting their own horrors.

Well-paced, shot and acted, this movie suffers from two tragic flaws. First, the dialogue was very poorly mixed, and most characters sound as if they're mumbling. If one could make out much of conversation, the second problem might be explained. And that is the ending, which makes no sense at all. It's as if it were written for another movie altogether, and it's the only reason I can't give this otherwise great movie a better rating.

Dark House (2009)

The Horror of Predictability

[1/10 · 20 October 2012]

By-the-numbers gory house movies usually steal from the best (13 Ghosts, House on Haunted Hill, etc.), then season with a little Rob Zombie. In this case, it's a tedious slog through a familiar laundry list of action. A bad script, poor direction and cheap effects only make the journey all the more boring.

Suspension-of-disbelief is impossible from the beginning. A young girl enters a spooky house and immediately stumbles on a bloody child's body. Rather than react like most people, and run in terror, she calmly continues on, discovering one horror after another. What finally shocks her isn't any gore, but an attempt at a startling, visual cliché.

The rest of the movie is the usual tepid broth of skeptics getting killed by supernatural forces, and threadbare "Quick! Run! But there's Now Way Out!" scenes. There's little to see here that hasn't been done many times before, except maybe in a porn parody.

The Garden (I) (2006)

And I Beheld Another Boring Bible Cartoon

[3/10 · 4 October 2012]

Really great actors bring the only grace to shine on this apocalyptic poppycock on a horse farm. Even discounting plot holes and logical inconsistencies, this utterly incoherent mess tries to re-frame the Book of Revelations as a dysfunctional family affair smelling of alcohol and cow-dung. Christian platitudes replace dialog (eg, "Love the sinner, Sam. Hate the sin"), and the competent cinematography is otherwise awash in gratuitous symbolism. But don't mistake this movie for a bible class. Like most movies of this genre, it's a mash-up of lurid symbolism from Genesis and Revelations, with little relevance to anyone who hasn't stocked up their basement for the End Times.

The Thing Below (2004 Video)

Craptacular Ineptapalooza!

[1/10 · 20 September 2012]

I can not recommend this movie less. It is so stunningly beneath awful that it drops through the floor of the universe and comes out on top. If that makes sense. Which this movie does not.

In a nutshell, the story is a composite of Alien, Event Horizon, Leviathan, and Ghost Ship, with a knock-off crew from The Abyss and Armaggeddon. Seriously, you have seen this story many, many times before. And why is there always one guy with a cowboy hat?

Stilll, if you have a Roku box and time not spent on something more productive like porn, this movie offers so many unintentional laughs that it's really worth watching. It truly earns the Academy award for the very antithesis of good dialogue. And the casting? Ah, tres merdefique! The casting director's couch is still sweating Astroglide and incompetence. Personal favorite is the hottie "professor" that might be old enough to vote 5 years from now.

In the end though, it's the horrendous CGI that truly lowers the bar for all. Rendered at some resolution so low it must be measured in Kelvin, the creature is a testimonial to any 12-year-old with a dream, and a pirated copy of After Effects.