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Reviews
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
I Don't Like It
2001: A Space Odyssey is always listed as one of the best films ever made. I don't understand why anyone would think that.
The film's opening is captivating and great. The general idea is intriguing and deserves a better final product than the one we're given.
The dialogue and characters are bland, dull and boring. In fact, the people in the movie are laborious to watch. Everything in this film takes forever to happen. It is genuinely boring. I had to watch 2001 four times just to get to the end. The first two times I tried to watch it I fell asleep. Seruously. There's something about the droning background noise and complete lack of any kind of action that just puts me in the mood to close my eyes.
Now, I've said this to people over the decades and they tend to assure me that I don't like it because I am cognitively deficient in some way. If only I had the intellect to appreciate it for the masterpiece it is. You see, it is too cerebral for the likes of me...
I don't bother to tell people that I have a philosophy degree, that I'm used to consuming works that require a certain level of analysis and thought. What would be the point?
2001: A Space Odyssey makes fans think of themselves as superior to others. The others, like me, are looking for much more overt entertainment from the films we choose to watch.
Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie (2014)
Not Very Funny
This is a comedy. Apparently.
The plot has the opportunity for a lot of humour, but the execution manages to be both obvious and lacklustre at the same time. The dialogue is forced and silly, rarely offering anything worth laughing at.
Rolfe misses the mark with his own signature character, putting too much emphasis on the Nerd's worst aspects. The supporting characters are also too dull and offer very little in the way of actual entertainment. The antagonist is mildly amusing, but too much is made of his "funny" name.
The plot is quite good, even if it is obvious. There is a certain charm to the movie but it could - and SHOULD - have been a lot better.
Sadly, with this movie being a disappointment, we probably won't ever see James Rolfe directing, writing or acting in another high profile feature. That's a shame, because Rolfe is a genuine talent.
Dumbo (2019)
Not Terrible
When this film was originally released, I absolutely hated it. Now, a few years later, I watched it again with my kids. I don't hate it anymore.
If you're familiar with the original Dumbo, the basic plot elements will feel familiar. The main differences seem to be there just to give prominence to some of the actors, which makes sense when you have people like Danny DeVito in the cast.
Even though the pace of this version is still quite slow, it gets to the main action a lot faster than the original and Dumbo's flight is actually more impactful because of it, in my opinion.
That said, there are a few issues. The script feels forced at times and the CGI is very disappointing. When Dumbo is bathed, for instance, the animation looks awful. It's just very obvious that he isn't a real animal. I don't quite understand why Disney is determined to make these "live action" versions of their classics when the technology just isn't there to make them look good.
Another issue is that the humour falls flat. There are several instances of comic relief (such as every scene featuring the naughty monkey) and none of them are actually laugh inducing. At best, you might smirk a little, mostly thanks to DeVito's timing.
In summary, this version of Dumbo is perfectly watchable, but don't expect much in the way of magic.
Mary Poppins (1964)
Massively Overrated Classic
Mary Poppins has some charm but it is a slow slog of unconvincing set piece followed by unconvincing set piece. The songs are bland and the acting is ridiculously awful in places.
Nostalgia is the biggest driver of the love this movie gets. There is little fluidity in the progression of the plot and, indeed, there is precious little plot in the first place.
Andrews has about three facial expressions but the one she uses most often is "moronic bemused smile". Similarly, Van Dyke (ludicrous accent aside) is overly enthusiastic and theatrical most of the time. Though it is he who is the best thing about the film. He throws himself into the role and hams it up quite nicely, if you like that sort of thing.
Konferenz der Tiere (2010)
Weird
This film is a bizarre, disjointed mess. It isn't completely unwatchable, so I don't really get why there are so many 1 ratings, but it is unquestionably bad.
The animation looks cheap and the plot is just all over the place. I haven't seen the original version (although it is in my native language) but the English dub is bad. Not in a so bad it's good way, mind you... just bad.
I think some parts are supposed to be comedic, but I didn't laugh once while watching. I didn't even laugh AT the movie, never mind WITH.
Someone wrote this, some else approved it, someone else funded it, and someone actually released it into the world. Who says miracles don't happen?
Congo (1995)
Not That Bad
A lot of people hate Congo. I'm not one of them.
I remember going to see this in the cinema and thinking it was really cool. Obviously, I realise it isn't a masterpiece, but it's good enough to enjoy. In the decades since I watched it on the big screen, I think I've only watched it a handful of times at most, but if it was showing on TV right now, I would probably stick it on.
Bruce Campbell's brief appearance at the beginning is probably the best thing about this film, but the downward slope to the end isn't all that steep. I reckon most people would find something to like in this film. Just don't go into it expecting anything close to Jurassic Park.
Willow (1988)
Excellent Fantasy Film
Similarities with Tolkien and Star Wars aside, Willow is a great example of how to do fantasy movies right.
The basic premise is one of an unlikely hero, chosen by fate, who overcomes hardships and triumphs through considerable character grows. Basically, it's the classic hero's journey, but there is enough original material here to make it a thoroughly engaging film experience.
Some of the acting is rather poor, which detracts from the film a little. Even Warwick Davis (who is generally good throughout) has a few stinking moments.
Willow sits somewhere between epic fantasy and sword and sorcery in terms of genre, but what it really is is a well-crafted adventure story. Strong pacing and with a narrative spanning several locations, each with great action set pieces, Willow is one for the whole family to enjoy... though there are some frightening elements that may not be suitable for very young children.
Seven Kings Must Die (2023)
Much Better than the Series
Although there are still plenty of flaws in Seven Kings Must Die, the execution is miles superior to the Last Kingdom TV show.
The absolute best part of this film is the most realistic shield-wall battle ever depicted on film. No one has presented these battle tactics in a more realistic way and the film stays reasonably true to the wonderful descriptions offered in Bernard Cornwell's novels. Indeed, I could never understand why the makers of the show were so determined to disregard the source material when it came to the fight scenes, instead opting to give us unrealistic, ridiculous battles. That mistake is corrected in Seven Kings Must Die and it makes the entire viweing experience so much better.
Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold (1986)
Silly Fun
If you go into Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold expecting anything more than a silly, cartoonish far-fetched piece of fun, then you will have a bad time.
Many of the reviewers count the style AGAINST the film, but that is the whole point of it. It isn't Citizen Kane, and that's a good thing!
This is the kind of film where you can momentarily disconnect your intellect and simply enjoy the absurdity you're witnessing. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoy a thought-provoking bit of cinema as much as the next person, but I don't need that in order to enjoy a movie.
Quatermain is what it is: a fun time.
Ewoks: The Battle for Endor (1985)
Bit of a Hidden Gem
Somehow I missed this back in my childhood, which is bizarre because I've been a huge sword & sorcery and sci-fi fan for as long as I can remember.
I watched this film for the first time today. I thought it was really good. Not perfect, of course, but much better than merely watchable. In fact, I would place this alongside many of the 1980s fantasy greats.
If you like films like Labyrinth, Willow, Time Bandits, Dark Crystal, The Princess Bride, etc. Then I'd be shocked if you didn't also like Ewoks: Battle for Endor.
It wasn't until I came to IMDB that I discovered that this is actually a sequel to another Ewoks movie that I hadn't heard of, so now my evening viewing is sorted as well!
Do You Know? (2016)
Annoying!
I came here to see if anyone else is annoyed by the presenter and I see that the only other review mentions her.
There is something really really off-putting about that Maddie woman but I can't quite put my finger on it. Every time she's on the screen I want to change the channel. My kids watch CBeebies, so I see this presenter much more often than I'd like.
It's shocking to me that this programme has an almost perfect review score. Almost as shocking as someone deciding to put Maddie in front of the camera rather than behind it.
I'm sure in real life she's a wonderful person, but she just irritates the life out of me.
He-Man and the Masters of the Universe (2021)
Shouldn't be Called He-Man
Parts of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe are pretty good. The main negative that I can identify is that it isn't really a He-Man show.
Elements of the plot and setting could easily be retained... but the big drawback is that it is trying to use the name recognition of a beloved 80s show in order to gain interest.
Had they invented new characters and kept much of the other aspects, I doubt many people would have a problem. The issue is that it was sold to us as He-Man and bares little resemblance to the show many of us loved back in the day.
To me this show is more like one of the recent Star Wars shows, including the art style.
There is stuff to like but there is also the problem of many modern cartoons, namely the irritating (bordering on obnoxious) "cool" characters.
All in all, the show is just about watchable.
Biff & Chip (2021)
Nothing Like the Books
Gone are the magic, the fantasy, the educational element, and the fun. Instead we get a generic collection of stories featuring children. The fact that they have Biff, Chip, Kipper et al as the names of the characters doesn't make Biff and Chip anything other than just another cookie cutter BBC children's show.
Pretty much every episode of Biff and Chip could just as easily be an episode of Topsy and Tim.
I don't claim to have seen every single episode but I have seen a fair few. Where's the magic key? Where are the bizarre adventures and the time travel? Where are the valuable life lessons?
It's just such a disappointment.
Pattie et la colère de Poséidon (2022)
Not bad, not great
Epic Tails is a little silly in its execution and some things fall flat almost from the beginning. Despite that the film is watchable, though I doubt my kids will be requesting it all that often.
I've spent a rather large portion of my life studying classics so I'm always happy to see a new movie about the ancient Mediterranean. Sadly, I don't think Epic Tails is the film to really ignite a passion for the period in children.
The thing that holds it back from being a great movie is the lack of humour, I think. I've just returned from the cinema and there was only one moment when all the kids were laughing out loud. An animated feature like this just needs to be funnier.
The adventure in the story is perfectly adequate and, like I said, the movie is totally watchable. I guess I just wanted it to be something special and it isn't.
Glass Onion (2022)
Dull
The most interesting thing about this film is that it managed to attract an all star cast.
The plot is boring, the characters are lame, and the dialogue is ridiculous. It honestly seems like it was written by teenagers.
Another problem is that the film is just too damn long. Everything takes forever to happen and the little twists are predictable or silly.
There are a few funny moments spattered about here and there but it isn't funny enough to be a comedy in the same way that it isn't intriguing enough to be a mystery.
I'm actually surprised that I managed to make it all the way through to the end.
Beauty and the Beast (2017)
Disappointing
This version of Beauty and the Beast is not only not as good as the animated movie, but it is also entirely pointless.
Everything the animation does well is done worse here, from the songs to the acting... everything.
This remake reeks of cash-grabbing and virtue signalling. What other possible reasons could there be to release this movie?
None of the acting performances are truly terrible, and I don't blame the actors for wanting to be in this film, but the entire concept is misguided and a little sad.
Original films would be much more interesting to see, though I'm no longer holding much hope for that ever happening.
Klaus (2019)
One of the Best
Christmas movies are often too silly, too slushy, or too boring. Not this one.
Klaus is captivating and entertaining from start to finish. The funny moments are genuinely funny and the heartfelt moments really hit home. This is a film to enjoy with the whole family (as long as the kids are old enough to sit through a whole film). There is definitely something for everyone.
Great voice acting and animation bring the story of Klaus to life. Music that ranges from dramatic to uplifting to melancholy all adds to a brilliant seasonal atmosphere.
I would go so far as to say that Klaus is the best Christmas movie to be released in at least ten years. Nothing comes to mind that would equal it.
The Knight Before Christmas (2019)
Just About Watchable
The Knight Before Christmas wasn't too bad. Obviously it is absolutely absurd. I suppose we need to include his ability to communicate in the modern world as part of the magic but still... ridiculous.
There are a couple of genuinely funny scenes. On the whole, though, the script is unrealistic and uninspiring.
For a history pedant like me it provided lots of opportunity for criticism, which I enjoyed. Not sure my wife felt the same but you can't please everyone.
Will we watch it again?
Doubtful.
There are many better Christmas movies to check out but if you've seen them all then you might as well give this one a go... just for the hell of it.
Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio (2022)
Well-crafted New Version
This version of Pinocchio is my favourite that has ever been shown on screen. The original Disney animation is, of course, also excellent but I prefer the slightly more mature take that Guillermo del Toro has splashed onto the tale.
The animation is brilliant, the voice acting is great throughout and Pinocchio's character possesses all the annoyance that comes from true innocence. This last factor is of course what makes up the crux of the story.
It's difficult not to compare this film to the recent Disney remake. I don't hate that version like many do, but there's no doubt that Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio is superior to the 2022 Disney film in almost every single department.
The fantastical elements (of which there are plenty, as you would hope) are a joy to behold. I wouldn't hesitate to recommend this movie for even a moment.
Emily's Wonder Lab (2020)
Irritating
They dropped the ball with this show. The presenter is a little annoying but that's not a deal-breaker.
The thing I dislike most about the show is the obvious scripted and rehearsed comments from the participants. Honestly, those kids couldn't come across less natural if they tried.
This trend of cutting away to people being interviewed as though they are organically commenting on the events has gone far enough. It isn't convincing and it adds nothing to the flow of the show. Indeed, it detracts from the show.
On the other hand, Emily's Wonder Lab has the potential to be quite engaging. The experiments and the actual scientific content are all interesting... it's just a shame about the execution.
Alien Xmas (2020)
Great for Christmas
Came across this while browsing for things my kids can watch. They absolutely love it!
This film has a wonderful story, told mostly through xcellent narration. The story is very entertaining and has a nice, positive outcome.
I wouldn't hesitate to recommend Alien Xmas to anyone with small children. The beauty of it is that this isn't like most Christmas stories, although the ending is what you would expect and hope for. A new take on a classic message of giving and being thankful.
There is little negative to say really...
A nice film to enjoy with the whole family. Perfect for that time of year.
Check it out if you haven't already.
Halloween Special with Steve & Maggie (2019)
My Kids Love It
People are far too quick to give out one star ratings. There is no way this deserves to be rated so low.
Now, it definitely isn't perfect but my children absolutely love watching this, even when it isn't Halloween.
Essentially, what you get here is a collection of songs and little scenarios or sketches. Maggie is a mischievous bird who likes to play tricks on Steve. Steve takes it in his stride and generally plays along. Sometimes he is unaware that Maggie has used magic and is suitably frightened when confronted with witches, ghosts, etc.
If you have children around 3 - 6 years old then you can honestly do a lot worse than sticking Steve and Maggie on for them.
Back to the Outback (2021)
Watchable
I must have seen this movie a couple dozen times by now thanks to my kids requesting it. While it isn't among my favourite animated films, I don't mind watching it at all.
In parts, Back to the Outback is genuinely funny. The voice acting and animation are both great.
I take a bit of issue with the deadliness = ugliness concept that the movie seems to push but other than that it's all pretty harmless and easily entertaining enough.
I don't think it's quite as good as Madagascar but I would rather watch Back to the Outback than The Wild, given the choice.
All in all, not superb but a long way from trash. Worth watching. You might like it.
The Mandalorian (2019)
Worthy of the Hype
I've been a fan of Star Wars since I was a child in the 1980s. As such, I was very disappointed with Disney's latest trilogy. Thankfully, shows like the Mandalorian manage to steer well clear of the atrociousness that those three films gave us.
There was barely anything I didn't like about the Mandalorian, and I would recommend it to fantasy and sci-fi enthusiasts even if they aren't necessarily Star Wars fans. The shabby, western-style aesthetic serves the show well. The only thing I really do not like at all is how invincible the good guys are and how pointless the bad guys are. It seems the only way the stormtroopers can hit someone is if that person is wearing indestructible armour, in which case they can't miss. It's so stupid. It ruins the show a little.
The action, acting, writing and everything else is good to excellent throughout. A few episodes occasionally seem to drag out certain aspects, but it's probably not easy to make a proper 10/10 perfect show. The Mandalorian has a decent try, though.
pocket.watch Ryan Toys Review Ultimate mishmash (2018)
Rubbish
I'm sure the family is raking in ridiculous amounts of money on the back of this, but it is truly awful.
Ryan himself is slightly obnoxious and often on the verge of real brattiness, especially when he's playing with his father. Similarly, his mother is extremely irritating. The shrill way she pronounces her own child's name really annoys me for some reason.
The idea that this might be someone's favourite show is completely ludicrous. At best, people are able to endure it.
Each episode is really just a child being filmed as he plays with toys. That's it. He opens packages and looks at what they contain, sometimes he plays on his own, sometimes with his parents and sometimes his siblings are there.
It isn't really a show in the traditional sense and I really don't like it.