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PrimitiveScrewhead
Reviews
Trans Kids: It's Time to Talk (2018)
Terrific documentary
A mature documentary highlighting a delicate subject and trying to understand why this phenomena has increased in recent years.
The subject matter was handled with as much fairness as it could give (the other side refused to be interviewed) and it's quite concerning seeing young children spending far too much time on the internet.
Paranormal Activity (2007)
The funniest film since The Wicker Man remake!
I am sitting here, gorging my own retinas out as my mind sits in total dismay and hilarious bewilderment. This glorified home-movie contains the supernatural ability to challenge the master that is Uwe Boll. I am of course, talking about the shaky, the dark, the grainy, the amateur, the one and only, Paranormal Activity.
Paranormal Activity is 'apparently' a horror movie; I'm not sure where the horror is located. Perhaps it's the comedic, 'Airplane (1980)' performances or the 'camera on a leash' duties that intended to terrifying the poor, unsettled victims out of their uncomfortable cinema seats.
The film attempts to recreate the classic television series, Most Haunted, by offering the viewer a smattering of obscured camera angles, lack of a tripod and lots of big-lipped and enlarged eyed expressions, all tinted with the trusty gamma-ray night-vision exposure that even the Incredible Hulk would cringe at. Unlike the wonderful and beautiful Most Haunted, Paranormal Activity attempts to harbour a plot that can be summed up as follows: Man buys a new video camera. Man and Girl investigate haunted house. Man follows girl around with camera. Lots of giggles and other mindless traits before we get to the real action - a bed. Yes, for about an hour, we are treated to more sleeping than a regular episode of Big Brother would show. It's as if the actors became bored of the unimaginative screenplay (was there even a screenplay?) and just conveniently fell asleep, to which the director shouted action and captured his cocooned actors in their hibernating periods...and occasionally opening a door or making loud noises to wake them up.
Before I drain my senses anymore, basically, the girl becomes possessed by this unexplained entity, kills her boyfriend by throwing him into the camera and then crawling up to the screen in her best 'Ring' impersonation. That's it. Not a lot happens. Fade to black. The end. They have our money. They have those 90 minutes that we can never claim back. I'm sure lots of pretentious 'arty' people will salvage this thin layer of botched film-making and attempt to rise up in its defence against my negative review, but Paranormal Activity represents almost everything wrong with cinema and film-hype (and Transformers 2, but that's another story, a story more terrifying than this).
This slew of picking up a camera and copying Cannibal Holocaust but forgetting the exploitation and hilarious nature of that 70's classic just shows how misunderstood film is, and how audiences haven't woken up to the realisation or even questioning what is delivered to them anymore. True, not every film needs to be intelligent or seminal (Commando, 1985, is a magnificent classic) but for the love of cinema, start waking up a little more. Paranormal Activity (or Paranormal INactivity) is a botched attempt at realism and even thought its cutting and pasting elements from every other known ghost film, instead of re-inventing those ideas, they are executed terribly from a director whose brain cell can't operate on a subtle and inventive level, instead gluing together creepy-crawly nasties as seen in other films. If the film-makers bothered to read a BOOK, then the film may have stood a chance at being a little more intelligent.
As it is, Paranormal INactivity is a poor student film, that is misguided, no sense of direction, no sense of format, no sense of style, it just has no sense. But as a comedy, oh crikey, it's a laugh riot. I'm laughing so hard, I've forgotten about those precious 90 minutes it took away from me. HAHAHAHA. Actually, no I haven't. I wish I could have claimed that golden timeframe back. I could've been doing something so much more constructive, like, watching a better movie....
0/10
Doom (2005)
WHERE WAS HELL??? This is NOT based on the video game.
I had the most unfortunate experience of viewing this wretched pile of filth that is a movie. A pitiful exercise in mindless, pathetic attempts of making a film that bears no agenda and zero substance.
That movie is Doom.
Now, as you the true hardcore fans know, Doom is apparently based on the highly successfully PC game. Although, I don't see how it is based. Nothing in the film reminded me of the video game. Now, Ultimate Doom was truly elaborate and epic in its scope - a lone Marine stalking around the shores of hell, fighting off his zombified team-mates, battling vicious imps, throwing rockets at hell knights and crushing spider-masterminds with the power of the BFG.
What we got in this pathetic attempt was a hacked-up version of Doom 3 (which was a bloody great game by the way) that is a simple carbon-copy of Aliens (doesn't every film just use Aliens as a template for marines vs. otherworld anomalies?) with a few zombies and a generic alien that bares very little resemblance to an imp.
NOW WHAT THE HELL WAS UP WITH THE CHARACTERS? Who was the hero? Who was the villain? Where was my trusty Doom Marine character? This film has problems. The Rock decides to turn against everyone for a reason not strong enough. "Oh I have orders. We quarantine this area. Nothing else gets out." Sounds to me like a poor attempt at an Albert Wesker. Yeah, this is just Resident Evil in space!!! Oh yeah it is, cos the demons (if you can all them that. More like mutated vegetables) are just the result of human research. Yes, this is NOT BASED ON THE DOOM Video game!! Oh of course, we get the much-hyped 'first-person' shot. But the problem is, it doesn't advance the story one bit. It feels incredibly out of place, especially when the pinky/dog-like demon comes out of nowhere, just thrown in as an afterthought. Why wasn't this the pinky-demon introduced beforehand? Why throw it in now. I TELL YOU WHY, BECAUSE THE DIRECTOR HASN'T GOT A DAMN CLUE ABOUT HIS CRAFT AND THE SCREENWRITER IS A HACK!!!! What the fupping heck was up with the ending? A lame attempt at a poor matrix-fight between Reaper and Sarge? Where was the showdown between the hardened marine and the cyberdemon? You might as well rename Doom the Movie to 'Paul W.S. Anderson' in space. I'm sure he directed this film under a different name.
Once again, The Rock proves he should've stuck with wrestling. Sorry chump, you rocked the wrestling world (no pun intended) but the movies you keep signing yourself up to you are just poor imitations of Schwarzenegger's past. You'll never be him so quit it.
WHERE WAS HELL? WHY WASN'T THE BFG GUN GIVEN AN AGENDA? IT SERVED NO PURPOSE IN THE STORY.
No characters were fully developed. When people died, I didn't care because there were no attempts at giving them a personality - just generic garbage. Binary oppositions were deceptively unclear. Most characters acted in the same way i.e. scared. Sure this film was marketed as a quick, mindless action film but so was Commando, but unlike Doom the movie, Commando had a personality and was fun to watch. Doom the movie is garbage.
The majority of the film is dark with hapless marines stalking around corridors. NO STORY.
WHERE WAS HELL? Why are the character so bland? Is the Rock the false hero? If Reaper was meant to be the protagonist, then why was he only given more screen time toward the end? Again, this proves the screenwriter does not know how to structure characters around a narrative. Did you even go to film school? I think you better go back to the drawing board. Pick up William Goldman's book on screen writing, you might learn something.
In conclusion, THIS FILM IS NOT BASED ON THE Video game!!!!!! GET THAT RIGHT THROUGH YOUR HEADS NOW!!!!!! One day in the near future, I'll adapt Doom into a movie. It'll be the most terrifying, awesome experience everyone will ever have. Mark my words...
Land of the Dead (2005)
Romero Returns and Makes Another Zombie Classic!
Land of the Dead is a superb, contemporary reflection of the times we are living in. It contains everything Romero is noted for - blood, guts, gore, groans and of course, the social commentary. As any true Romero fan would tell you, it isn't about the zombies, they are just mere plot and visual devices, it's the subtext that Romero is beating his drum to.
Land of the Dead is a great progression from the last three films. This time, the zombies have evolved, managing forms of communication and following a zombie leader, Big Daddy, whom is a very clever and careful evolution of the black character that has been the protagonist in the previous three and a logical evolution from 'BUB.' The story deals with Dead Reckoning, a hardcore bitch-ass custom tank, armed to the teeth with guns and missiles. Cholo (John Leguizamo ROCKS!) steals the tank in a bid to get even with the ruler of Fiddler's Green, Kaufman (played superbly in a camp bush-like persona by Dennis Hopper). If Kaufman denies Cholo's orders, Cholo vows to blow the city up. Kaufman orders Riley (Simon Baker) to track down Dead Reckoning and bring it home, in the midst of the undead slowly taking over what's left of the world.
Romero has done it. You wanted it, you've got it. All the subliminal messages are there - the war in Iraq, the bombing of New York, the 'we don't negotiate with terrorists,' EVERYTHING! This confirms to me that George A. Romero is one the greatest film-makers on the planet and is HUGELY UNDERRATED. I'm really angry that this film did bad at the box office (where the heck was the horror crowd? Oh, having wet dreams over the latest remake release - No pun intended HA!) but I hope it has found its audience on home video and DVD.
In conclusion, you want a true zombie film with more than just moans and groans? Just watch Land of the Dead or better yet, check out Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead and Day of the Dead also.
ROMERO FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!
Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)
Another great franchise ruined......
Please excuse my short outburst but this movie is utterly awful and bares practically no resemblance to the videogames, especially in terms of style and action.
I'll try and re-elaborate on this. Resident Evil Apocalypse is nothing but TRASH. Pure, post-Matrix trash. The first movie was vomit inducing, resulting in pulsing headaches and dissolved moral. I had a small pinch of hope for the sequel, namely because the hack known as Paul W.S. Anderson wasn't directing (he was too busy murdering FOX's prized franchises) so the directing duties was given to first-timer Alexander Witt. I have come to the conclusion that Witt was just simply Anderson's alias.
The director just copied and pasted what Anderson achieved in the first film, namely rapid editing, a hard rock soundtrack and YAWN, kung-fu melee. The end result was simply a hacked attempt at copying a previous hacked attempt. Was Witt pressured by the studio to copy another Hack's style? The acting. Well, Milla Jovovvovovovocichs hams up the screen time a plenty. Serena Guillory looks quite hot in her Jill outfit but resembles a hooker for the undead. The rest of the cast are just equally as bland. And Nemesis, oh Jesus Crumbcakes. How could you feck up such a powerful, iconic character from the videogames? Easy, get Anderson involved. They MADE Nemesis a complete pussy. And why did he go after Milla? The whole point of the Nemesis in the storyline was to hunt down S.T.A.R.S. Members so why was Milla a hunted target? She has bugger all to do with them. She's just screen fodder.
And the final showdown. LAME. A fist-fight between Milla and the Nemesis, and she fricking BEATS HIM????? And then Nemesis dies by having a helicopter crash land on him? Anyone who played the RE3 game will know what a complete cop-out that was.
If you're a fan of the game, AVOID THIS FILM. But, if you've never played the videogames, enjoy post-matrix filth and into new culture crap and don't give a damn about the quality of films, just want a cheap thrill and all.........AVOID THIS FILM AS WELL!
Resident Evil (2002)
Utterly Disappointing VideoGame Adaption
This is quite possibly the worse VideoGame Adaption I have ever seen. Paul Anderson has 'hacked' his way into the VideoGame market, and created a blatant cash-in film. This is more like a rip-off of The Matrix than anything else. I am a HUGE fan of the videogame series. The Resident Evil videogames are my favorite games of all time, but this movie is really that BAD. The film follows the storyline of a group of 'ALIENS' type Commandos being sent into a Mansion of some sort, where a deadly Virus outbreak has occured. On the way, they meet Alice, a person who has lost her mind. And.....to hell with it. This film basically has no plot, or even if it has, it has been poorly constructed. The thing about the Resident Evil games, is that they have strong plots which guide you in. You really get drawn into it. This film is incredibly bland. The acting is absolutely terrible, and cringe worthy. It totally lacks atmohpere which the VideoGames provide. Let's see a small comparison between the Film and the Videogame: FILM : Hard rock-type music. - VIDEOGAME : Eerie, quiet, orchestral score. FILM : Bullet Time. - VIDEOGAME : No Bullet-Time seen. FILM : Kung Fu. - VIDEOGAME : No Bullet time. FILM : Bland Characters. VIDEOGAME : Interesting characters.
It clearly comes to my attention, this film bares more resemblance to The Matrix than the Videogames. All characters are new (and very bland and one dimensional). We don't know them, and we never do. It's very unbelievable how a film like this could mess up the Resident Evil saga. The videogames are just begging for a movie version of themselves, and instead, we get something that offers nothing in common with the videogames. It's hard to believe this film was 'based' on them. I don't even think it is. This film feels like 'deja vu', we've seen it all before.
Capcom made the biggest mistake of letting Paul Anderson near the Resident Evil series. They also made the mistake of firing George A Romero. Sure, Romero's script changed a few ideas, but it stuck the closest to the videogames. Romero was the only man to do a faithful adaption. Hell, the Resident Evil videogames are based off his ZOMBIE trilogy.
Avoid Resident Evil The Movie at all costs. If you want a slice of Resident Evil, stick with the VideoGames, as they are the true spirit of Resident Evil. And if you want the true spirit of ZOMBIE movies, purchase George A Romero's Living Dead Trilogy. And if you want Kung Fu, Bullet-Time and cool characters......you know what movie to watch.
RSIDENT EVIL THE MOVIE = 0/10