smartgggg Reviews

Demolition Man (1993)

two demolition men and one cute woman

[5/10 · 16 May 2003]

Well, what can I say about this film. Not that much, really. It's one of those movies of which you say afterwards: "Haven't I seen this before?" I doesn't contain any original ideas or an interesting plot. It doesn't feature any intriguing acting. But it does contain a cute Sandra Bullock. She looks HOT in those future, tight, black police uniform pants. And she plays the typical role of a woman who is actually still that insecure little girl, which only adds to her attractiveness in this movie.

Rating from the Dutch judge: 5 (out of 10).

The Recruit (2003)

okay, but why the love story???

[5/10 · 14 April 2003]

The feeling I had after I watched The Recruit was: "I've seen this before". And not just once, but multiple times. Not that The Recruit was bad - but the story line had not that much to offer. A guy who is obsessed with his father, wants to follow in his footsteps. Hey, wait a second! I'm thinking of some other person here... exactly: George Bush!

In this respect, I also want to mention that there was one moment which I thought was really funny. There was a sign that read: "George Bush center for intelligence". Really. That was hilarious!

Anyway, back to the 'story'. May I ask: why was there, as usual, a love interest? And why did this woman 'like' him instantaneously? There seems to be such a thing as love at first sight, but this was ridiculous. And it's always the case that these women want to sleep with the guy a.s.a.p., preferably before the first date. Now that's very realistic, isn't it.

The love story didn't serve any purpose in this film, and should have been left out. Now it only suggests that the film makers needed some extra time filled. And sex is always the easiest option in such a case.

Rating from the Dutch judge: 5 (out of 10).

The Beach (I) (2000)

help!

[2/10 · 12 April 2003]

Please help me! I've seen "The Beach". I wish it never happened. But it did. Unfortunately. I mean, come on, what was this supposed to be?? The voice over was definitely taken from Fight Club, as was the "Brad Pitt" style and look, but DiCaprio is no Pitt and no Norton either, and the voice over gets pretty annoying quite soon. Not even to mention the contents. Or the content of the entire movie, for crying out loud. Don't even get me started here, because it's loaded with sheer nonsense and stupidity. Let me just give a couple of highlights:

• Why are their faces so 'clean'? Places like that are loaded with mosquitos and all kinds of other insects that turn life into hell. But no, they keep their pretty little faces.

• Why do they fish??? They can go to the mainland to get whatever they want! What an incredibly stupid story line that is.

• I'm getting increasingly annoyed with all these women in films _telling_ men when they're gonna do it, and when not: "We have sex now."

• And why is it OK for that French girl to cheat, but if DiCaprio does it, she's completely p***ed off. But I guess this _is_ just realistic.

And don't even mention the "computer game"..... Sigh.....

I don't have to linger over this one; here it comes.

Rating from the Dutch judge: 1 (out of 10).

Life Stinks (1991)

so does the second half of the movie

[5/10 · 3 April 2003]

Actually... the first half of this movie is quite enjoyable! Billionaire Brooks on the streets, having to find shelter and something to eat to keep living. And some hilarious lines. For instance, at one point there is this bum who looks at a soaking wet box (his home), floating away in the rain. His reaction: "There goes our neighborhood". But when Brooks returns to his villa after he's won the bet, this film rapidly turns into what Brooks had been eating when he was on the streets: garbage. Couldn't they have figured out something better than this?

Rating from the Dutch judge: 5 (out of 10).

The Patriot (2000)

Deja vu!

[4/10 · 29 March 2003]

I had a serious deja vu feeling when I was watching this film. That expression on Gibson's face, where did I see that before. Of course! Braveheart! This is definitely a complete rip-off of Braveheart. The proof is overwhelming: it has the exact same "freedom" topic, it features some miraculous victories against overwhelming odds, it features the same facial expressions of Gibson, and again the English are the bad guys. Here, however it's much more questionable. Were the English really that brutal? And it just doesn't become clear why we should favor Gibson. He kills people virtually at random. He makes a complete fool out of himself, playing some sort of Rambo in the woods. I mean: "Before this war is over, I'll kill you." Haven't we heard stuff like this before. This film is below average and inferior to Braveheart in every respect. The scenery is less fascinating, the characters are less fascinating, the storyline, the music, ah, well, I rest my case.

The Siege (1998)

Thanks for the tip, Willis

[7/10 · 29 March 2003]

Ah, so now it's clear where the terrorists who attacked the WTC buildings got their idea from. At one point in this movie, after 1 Federal Plaza has been bombed, Willis says something like he wonders what the next building will be, or whether it will take another building to be blown up to make a case. I guess those (real) terrorists took a hint from that, and voila. "The Siege" has a very low rating. It was probably too unbelievable for words, when it came out. Ironically, it can now pass as a visionary, powerful film about terrorism, ethnic issues, and the way in which we deal with it, or want to deal with it. Amazing.

Rating from the Dutch judge: 7 (out of 10).

ps: in my comments on "The Patriot", I accidently forgot to give a final judgment (shame on me :-). Well, here it goes:

"The Patriot"; Rating from the Dutch judge: 4 (out of 10).

Adaptation. (2002)

very original, funny, realistic, and moving

[9/10 · 26 March 2003]

I accidently came across a short description of this movie, which sounded interesting, so I decided to check it out. There were only a couple of people in the theater. Not that strange, because this film hasn't had a large deal of attention in my country. On the contrary. But perhaps for the better, because perhaps that's why the content was so surprising. This really is a nice little gem, with an excellent performance by Nicolas Cage. This is exactly the kind of role I want to see him play (not, for instance, the character he played in the atrocious "Kiss of Death"). The sort of anti-hero. The other performances were also good. In particular, the Laroche character was very funny. I don't really fancy Meryl Streep. She always has the same expression on her face, and I cannot possibly relate or get emotionally attached to anything she says or does, unfortunately. She's a minor weak element in an otherwise great movie. Check it out, if you can.

Rating from the Dutch judge: 8 (out of 10).

Being John Malkovich (1999)

Being Bored

[6/10 · 8 March 2003]

Hmm, what can I say about this one... I really wonder why this movie rates so high. Sure, the idea is very intriguing, and original, but they could have done so much more with it. The puppeteer was a great character, but there should have been more intriguing characters around him. The two women weren't that at all, and their acting was also quite poor. The story could have been built up much more interesting. For starters, the whole idea of being able to enter someone's mind, which the puppeteer finds out at some point, should not have been given away so easily and quickly to others. He tells it too soon, and the women believe it and find it out too soon. And the whole reaction is too calm. What would YOU think if you'd hear you could actually go inside someone's brain. Their reaction was more like "Oh, aha, well, I see. Okay then..." This movie cannot receive a high rating just because of an intriguing concept. It must also be worked out well. Which is not the case here, because most parts of the movie are, well, quite boring, actually.

Rating from the Dutch judge: 6 (out of 10).

The Bonfire of the Vanities (1990)

weird, just weird

[4/10 · 6 March 2003]

Uh, yes, what have we got here? An extremely weird title of what turns out to be an equally weird movie. If anyone can name just one logical or 'normal' scene from this movie, please do. Tom Hanks and Bruce Willis are in it, but both play extremely weird (did I just say 'weird'?) characters. Not to mention that weird (excusez-le-mot) priest. Wait, I think I recall one character who comes in the vicinity of 'normal' behaviour: judge Morgan Freeman. But, at the other hand, he starts yelling at the audience in court. Not that normal, I suppose. Not to mention that lady Xeroxing her ...., uh, well, you can fill that in for yourself after having watched this strange motion picture that calls itself a movie.

Rating from the Dutch judge: 4 (out of 10).

Character (1997)

solid production

[8/10 · 13 February 2003]

When I was in secondary school, I read the book "Karakter" and short story "Katadreuffe en Dreverhaven" by Dutch writer Bordewijk in literature class. Although the film "Karakter" was made already more than 5 years ago, I saw it only yesterday for the first time. I think they did well. It has something slow, dark hanging over it, yet manages to run smoothly.

Rating from the Dutch judge: 8 (out of 10).

Death Wish II (1982)

Wish I never saw this

[1/10 · 10 February 2003]

I'm going to be brief on this one. The evidence is overwhelming - this "movie" is disgusting. One minute I see a girl who I think is quite cute - the next minute she is being raped, semi-explicitly. And if that's not gross enough, some instants later she makes a run for it, jumps out of a window and 'into' a fence. It's also the stupid way in which it is all portrayed that results in the following judgment.

Rating from the Dutch judge: 1 (out of 10).

Get Shorty (1995)

Nice surprise

[8/10 · 7 February 2003]

I hadn't seen Travolta in a decent role for a long time, but "Get Shorty" managed to grasp my attention and I really enjoyed watching this film. It's full of Hollywood satire, irony, funny twists and it has an original storyline.

Rating from the Dutch judge: 8 (out of 10).

Kiss of Death (1995)

Why was this film made?

[5/10 · 6 February 2003]

This film does not feature _any_ new elements, not anything we haven't seen before in other films. It's totally redundant. It even has a negative effect - because could someone please tell me why Cage, S.L. Jackson, and even Helen Hunt signed up for this? Were they in need of some money? I seriously doubt it, but I cannot think of any other reason.

I know it's the script, but the role Cage plays is disgusting. And my estimation of him used to be quite high, actually. For example, I loved him as a good person in "It could happen to you", and in "Face/Off". The latter also proved that a "good guy" character suits him much better than a "bad guy" character. Anyway, even good-old S.L. couldn't save this one.

Rating from the Dutch judge: 5 (out of 10).

Lost Highway (1997)

Lost sense

[2/10 · 5 February 2003]

Yawn! How utterly booooring and completely point and plotless can a film be?

I tortured myself to sit through it until the final end, in order to be able to give a _fair_ judgment, which is that this film does not even deserve a positive rating in the mathematical sense of the word 'positive'.

"Lost Highway" is completely adrift, lacks any sense of direction, and is even worse than a really (and I mean really) bad "real" porn movie. I have _never_ given the rating I'm about to "award", but I guess there's a first time for everything.

PS: To all people who voted it at least a '6': could you _please_ provide me with 1 (yes, just _one_) reason why it should deserve such a rating --- I can give at least a dozen why it doesn't.

Rating from the Dutch judge: 1 (out of 10).

Sleepy Hollow (1999)

Heads or tails?

[7/10 · 3 February 2003]

Heads, of course! I mean, wow, I have never seen so many heads being chopped off!

I had no real expectations before watching "Sleepy Hollow", and I'm not really into the horror genre, but for some reason it was quite entertaining. It was full of atmosphere, and I liked the main character, played by Johnny Depp. Christina Ricci also made a pleasant appearance. She's not our typical model of Hollywood attractiveness - and I refer to that as a compliment. All in all, this movie was a nice little surprise.

Rating from the Dutch judge: 7 (out of 10).

Hardball (2001)

no balls

[4/10 · 28 January 2003]

The tagline for this film is: "The most important thing in life is showing up". I would change 1 letter and add a couple more words to make it: "The most important thing in life is throwing up when you have to".

Well, I had to after seeing this piece of garbage. My oh my, the horror, the horror! Words cannot express how extremely bad this film is. Here, I only want to highlight two things: (i) A gorgeous, white, single female teacher in a ghetto. I almost fell off my chair when they brought this on. And why are these gorgeous women always single. You will never hear:

MAN (e.g., Keanu Reeves): Er, hi, I'm Pete. Er, uhm, are you single?

PRETTY WOMAN: Why do you want to know?

MAN: Well, er, I would like to ask you to go out with me tonight.

WOMAN: I can do without that. I already have a boyfriend. Bye.

(ii) Why should we care so much for THEIR baseball team? Are all the other teams made up of wealthy uptown boys? I don't think so! So why shouldn't they win? What would be so terrible about that?

I'm not going to waste any more words on it.

Rating from the Dutch judge: 4 (out of 10).

The Usual Suspects (1995)

The not so intriguing suspects

[8/10 · 25 January 2003]

Ah, yes, "The Usual Suspects". My expectations were high, as is was called a "masterpiece" and received a 8.7 rating on IMDB. But, er, unfortunately, it just didn't work for me.

The story line is not that intriguing.

The events are not that intriguing.

And most characters are even less intriguing.

All the alleged "complexity" (such as the shifts in time) is meant to make the story more interesting, but it cannot hide the blanket of shallowness that lies over this film.

The film is made in such a way that the viewer should care about the well-being and fate of a group of ruthless criminals. That's at least how I saw it. But I can't and didn't feel sorry for any of them, so it was hard to get attached to the events. But the "real" good guys, i.e., the cops, didn't manage to get hold of my attention either (they just talk, talk, talk about things I didn't really care about), so I didn't really emphasize with anyone, which makes viewing a lot less entertaining.

All in all, I find it quite hard to believe that this film made it to #16 in the IMDB list. Starting out with an initial "6" for being mediocre, I add 2 points for the surprise ending, although it's a "stand-alone" scene, which cannot save the rest of the film. Further, I subtract, in total, 1 point for (a) the extensive supposedly-tough-but-actually-quite-annoying-after-a-while use of the "f" word, and (b) the fact that this film features a "Baldwin".

Rating from the Dutch judge: 7 (out of 10).

Practical Magic (1998)

Practically nothing

[3/10 · 24 January 2003]

If only I could conjure. I'd conjure this movie were never made. Why? Because in the entire duration of this film, nothing happens. Really. Absolutely nothing. At some point, I decided to switch to fast-forward mode, looking for a moment at which actually something occurs. But instead, I reached the end of the tape. Staring at an empty wall is just as exciting as watching this film.

Rating from the Dutch judge: 2 (out of 10).

The Green Mile (1999)

The Green Light

[3/10 · 23 January 2003]

Yesterday, I saw 'The Green Mile'. I actually expected quite a bit from it, based on comments and its rating on IMDB. But disappointment hit me early, and it was a direct blow that knocked me down and out.

Prisons are fun, aren't they? Well, in this film they sure are. Chasing a mouse and stuff. And, oh yeah, most inmates waiting for the electrical chair are actually kind, nice, sometimes even philosophical people. THEY are the victims. Not the relatives of the people they murdered. Those inmates are in there for murder for crying out loud. But they act as if they can't even put their own pants on. And this Percy character, he is really 'bad'. But he's the most 'real' person in the entire film---a film which is basically as ridiculous as Tom Hanks playing a SERIOUS role. Tom Hanks IS Forrest Gump, or the main character in "Big", both essentially being large kids. Picturing Hanks as a warden is as silly as claiming that James Bond is a monogamist.

After having fast-forwarded the second half of the movie, I'm trying to figure out whether it was intended to be a comedy or a drama. Essentially, it's neither.

"I'm tired boss", well, I'm tired of this film, which I give a green light. A green light to take the 3-lane highway, right into the trash-bin.

And, please, let someone please get rid of that stupid mouse!

Rating from the Dutch judge: 3 (out of 10).

Misery (1990)

Superb

[9/10 · 23 January 2003]

In my not so humble opinion, this is one of the best Stephen King films. Although it can't compete with the magnificent The Shawshank Redemption, it's an excellent piece of work. The whole atmosphere in the movie is so special---you have to feel it. And the performance by James Caan is flawless.

Rating from the Dutch judge: 9 (out of 10).

[Note: I hardly ever award a 10. I have rated over 200 films on this site, 3 of which I awarded a 10.]

Als je begrijpt wat ik bedoel (1983)

'Met uw goedvinden'

[8/10 · 21 January 2003]

Excellent animation film. Plain and simple. Perhaps somewhat dated now, but I watched it many times when I was a kid. My little brothers used to watch it, rewind it, and watch it again. Time after time. We know most phrases by heart. :) I don't know about the English/American version, but the Dutch voices are superb. Haven't seen anything of this quality since, in this category.

Rating from the Dutch judge: 8 (out of 10).

Die Another Day (2002)

they should have shot 007

[3/10 · 17 January 2003]

Sigh. Those Koreans should have shot 007, and Brosnan in particular, when he was standing on that bridge. Brosnan even asked for it. It would have saved us from the total meaningless 2 hours of nonsense that followed. If I were to produce a list of all aspects that are totally unbelievable, I'd have to zip it and recommend you don't use an analog modem to download it. My God. And the humor is as dead as 007 should have been. "I'm Mr Kil." Bond: "That's a name to die for." "I'm Ms Frost." Bond: "You must be cold." Give me a break! It's as funny as one guy saying "My name is Brown", and another guy replying "Oh, so you must be an African American."

One other thing that immediately caught my attention: 007 had been in some Korean dungeon for 14 months, and guess what: he's chubby! Oh, yeah, sure, that's logical. Of course you get at least 3 hearty meals a day when you're locked up in some rat hole. I know it's virtually impossible to make him look emaciated, but the solution is so simple: don't show his torso. It's not that impressive anyway!

Bond used to have a mission. That mission was serving England. Saving the world. If he had to risk his life, he would. Now all he cares about is sleeping with women. Sure, I too wouldn't mind sharing the bed with beautiful women all the time, without having to say more than "My name is Bond", but a special agent like 007 should have more on his mind. Bond used to go to bed with women because he suspected something or had to get something out of them (the other way around gives us a 'joke' that would fit right into 'D.A.D.'...). Now he knows nothing about them, just wants to score a cheap lay. That's his only mission in this entire piece of film that should never have been made.

Rating from the Dutch judge: 4 (out of 10).