auteurus Reviews

65 (2023)

Aliens from Somaris are just like you and me!

[4/10 · 11 July 2023]

65 is a decent sci-fi action/survival film, and Adam Driver does the best possible job with what he is given. And who doesn't like CGI dinosaurs? Even though the chase scenes are contrived, that's typical for this genre. If you just switch your brain off, it's possible to enjoy the film.

But I couldn't switch my brain off, because I don't understand the essential premise of the film. The opening credits establish that Driver's character Mills, his daughter and her mother are all aliens from Somaris, a pre-human civilization from 65 million years ago. And yet, the film opens with Mills and his partner discussing his two year upcoming exploration, medical expenses and his salary. In American accented English. And then we see him crashing his spaceship, which looks like every other human spaceship you've ever seen. And all of the language, gear, computers and clothing are standard issue science fiction. There's not a single thing to indicate Mills and the other characters are aliens from Somaris and aren't regular old humans from the 20th century as we know them.

I can swallow that humanoid races might have existed prior to humanity. I can even accept English because hey, it's a movie. But the creators made zero effort here. It's as if this was going to be a time travel movie, and they just tacked the Somaris civilization on at the last minute to fill some other plot hole. I was waiting for some big reveal at the end to resolve my confusion, but there was absolutely nothing.

The upside, at least I got to stream it for free.

The Silent Sea (2021)

Koreans go to the moon in search of good writers and directors, but return empty-handed

[5/10 · 15 January 2022]

After enjoying so many great Korean shows in recent years, I had high hopes for Silent Sea. Unfortunately, despite solid production values, this show is a cliched mess of generic science fiction plot devices lifted from older, better movies. It's proof of one thing - water is not the critical resource that Korea needs, it's good writers and directors that are in short supply around the globe!

Some of the production choices are quite puzzling. For example, the moonbase set is ridiculously oversized and very impressive, equal to anything you'd see in Hollywood perhaps short only of a Christopher Nolan movie. But the scenes at the Korean space agency on Earth are all filmed in small drab offices and random spaces that scream low budget rather than mission control. It's like they spent all their money on one huge set and had to back fill the other locations with whatever they could scrounge up.

It can be hard to get a read on the acting when watching subtitles but overall, we are given no reason to care about the characters fates and it appears the actors didn't care much either. Gong Yoo is so amazing in Train to Busan that I had to check IMDB to see this was actually the same actor, because he makes no real impression here.

It's really disappointing, because with better writing this show clearly had the people and budget to make an impact. Instead it's really painful to slog through all eight episodes.

J.R. 'Bob' Dobbs and the Church of the SubGenius (2019)

Starts strong but ends on a down note

[5/10 · 7 February 2021]

Having sent my dollars off to the PO Box back in the 80's to join this irreverent church, I was really intrigued to see their origin story. It was great to see Stang and Drummond out of character, talking about how they got started with their subversive sense of anti-authoritarian humor and their message to think for yourself. In addition to great interviews, there's a ton of grainy but fascinating archive footage. A lot of it is exactly what you might expect - bored white suburban teens and young adults, looking for a group to belong to, but in most cases not taking themselves too seriously.

As a social experiment which deftly leveraged pop culture, America's obsession with extreme cults and spurred on by Reagan and the excess of the 80's, it all makes sense up to a point. But the documentary (and the Church) seemed to fade a bit in the nineties with the rise of the Internet, and the implication that the good times under Clinton along with mainstream adoption of concepts like memes made the Church irrelevant. I would have thought events like Waco in '93 would have been directly relevant but apparently not according to Stang.

At this point, the documentary takes a political turn, focusing on Trump as the first subgenius president. It suddenly feels very heavy handed, denying the groups own history and acting as if the conspiracy culture that the church itself came from sprang up overnight in 2016. The words Trump Derangement Syndrome flash on the screen in this segment and that is an apt description of the last few minutes, especially watching it after Biden was elected. It feels like watching one of those eighties documentaries warning about Reagan starting a nuclear war. It's interesting but mostly irrelevant.

In the end, they show Stang still stuffing envelopes, making a buck here and there from people still fascinated by the church. The long joke is over and the Church is mostly income for a couple of old hippies who had some great ideas back in the day, but failed to adapt to the times.

Two Weeks to Live (2020)

So much wasted potential

[4/10 · 7 February 2021]

A violent, dark British comedy with one of the stars of Game of Thrones? What's not to like? I thought this might be a great show along the lines of Utopia but unfortunately, it's a mess of bad writing and cliches, and feels like wasted potential.

Kim's story starts strong but quickly goes downhill. Maisie does a passable job given the material. As for the rest of the cast, the brothers barely make an impression. Jason Flemyng is quite good but doesn't really get enough screen time.In general, the antagonists are your cliche assortment of white guys, complete with corrupt cops and an actual Nazi.

It's never explained how or why Kim is an expert marksman and martial artist. At least in Hanna we had the make-believe excuse of genetic engineering and a father with elite training. In Two Weeks, we are just supposed to accept that a twenty one year old girl raised by a single mother in a rural area with limited resources has all the skills and strength to take down multiple opponents twice her size. It's a cliche that was already stale before this show was made. It's all just fantasy violence really, no more threatening than lightsabers or Harry Potters wand.

The writers get themselves into a corner during the action scenes, and then they lazily write themselves out by resurrecting multiple characters who appeared to be dead or mortally wounded, which removes any sense of danger or risk. In this film, guns are mostly harmless talismans that are stuffed in waistbands and waved around while Kim gets ready to kick your ass. The knife throwing scene with the crime boss is especially egregious in that regard, and they rely on that kind of fourth wall breaking reaction scene repeatedly, which gets old and isn't really funny. Utopia did it far better.

The twist reveal at the end is fairly obvious. And the twist also reveals a plot hole that added to my incredulity. Sian Clifford was 37 when this was filmed, which is clearly not old enough to have been a police officer on the take and also have a 5 year old daughter who is now 21. Again, bad writing ruins any attempt at engaging the audience and suspended disbelief.

Hanna (2019–2021)

Great Season 1 ruined by an abysmal Season 2

[3/10 · 7 October 2020]

I really enjoyed Amazon's reboot of the film in Season 1 of this show. Great story, great casting of the leads, solid writing and direction.

And then Season 2 came along and blew everything up. The first couple of episodes were OK but the writers lost the narrative thread and I could barely finish it. Season 2 is apparently oriented to a female teen audience, versus the original season which had a broader and more adult appeal. Joel Kinnaman's character is sorely missed and Dermot Mulroney as generic evil white nationalist doesn't make up for the loss.

Beyond Hollywood politics, a lot of Season 2 doesn't make sense, due to weak writing. The plotline of the Meadows and the training of the girls with their fictional backstories isn't believable. In a show where you suspend disbelief of superhuman teen girls who can take down any man, it's ironic that they got tripped up on mundane story elements. Both Hanna and Clara's actions felt forced and unnatural. By the end, the writers had betrayed Hanna's independent spirit that they had worked hard to establish in Season 1, as well as making Clara, Sandy and Jules out to be little more than two dimensional killer robots.

So many real world details are lacking. The tradecraft shown by the agents is non-existent. Have any of these writers read a single good spy biography? One glaring example is when Hanna and Jules take an undercover trip to London as college students to assassinate a journalist . The spy agency has invested millions in creating deep cover agents with fictional backgrounds. And yet Hanna is carrying a blue dossier around London which spells out the details of the secret mission. And the chosen location? The London subway, Europe's most surveilled and policed transit system. Their mugshots would be on TV screens across the UK if they weren't already arrested or shot dead. Do deep cover agents carry around big dossiers of their secret missions before carrying them out in highly public locations? That's one example of many that makes this season hard to swallow. The college student backstory was just as unbelievable. I doubt even the CIA has the power to get two agents enrolled into London South Bank University complete with on-campus student accommodation with barely a few days of notice.

The tactical skills of everyone on screen are non-existent. Hanna's stunt double kicks some ass, but the moment a weapon appears, all logic goes out the window. The uniformed military at the Meadows don't know how to use a gun - they are shown hip firing and flagging each other while entering a room - and Marissa Wiegler can barely aim her gun during her big escape scene. Couldn't someone have given them a few hours of basic instruction before cameras rolled? I'm not asking for John Wick but the kids with Nerf guns at my local park have more tactical skills than the cast in season 2.

It's a disappointing ending to the series. I don't think I'll be back for more.

Behind the Sword in the Stone (2013)

A documentary for Excalibur fans that was worth the long wait

[8/10 · 24 August 2020]

Excalibur made an unforgettable impression on me in 1981 and it stands as one of the finest interpretations of the Arthurian legends with it's unique melding of ancient legend and Wagner's music. The movie still holds up despite never having received the luxury of a re-scan or a special edition and remains a classic 80's film.

This documentary was in the works for many years and finally got a release in the US this year via PBS under the alternate title 'Excalibur: Behind the Movie'. It's worth a watch for many reasons - they got director John Boorman himself, all of the surviving lead actors and a couple that have left us since they were interviewed. Of course Neeson, Byrne and Mirren went on to become major stars, and it's a testament to Boorman's eye for talent. Overall the documentary is a good effort, their passion for the films shows through and they have the humility typical of British stars.

I would happily pay for a 4k directors edition of Excalibur, it's puzzling to me that the studios have left this classic property linger on a substandard Bluray.

The Punisher (2017–2019)

Promising series let down by sloppy writing and goofs

[3/10 · 24 November 2017]

Punisher was promised as the 'most realistic' of the Marvel TV series, and as a fan of the comic, I had high hopes. But like some of its weaker Netflix cousins, halfway through Season One the low budget, slow pace and sloppy writing are starting to grate, and technical errors abound in the rare action scenes. And the cherry on top - it's packed with Hollywood politics guaranteed to alienate most of the core audience.

I'll start with the good points. Jon Bernthal is well cast and turns in a solid performance as Frank Castle, and Ebon Moss-Bachrach's portrayal of Lieberman is growing on me. Both of the characters work well, even if Lieberman is the classic Playful Hacker with a Magical Computer that can do anything.

Other casting is mixed. Amber Rose Revah isn't believable as Special Agent Madani, not the least because she isn't actually Persian and she is too young and glamorous for the role, right down to her high heels. At least they cast an actual Persian actress as her mother, (the awesome Shohreh Aghdashloo from The Expanse) although she is criminally underused. Likewise, Ben Barnes doesn't look or sound like a special forces veteran with multiple tours under his belt. He's young and pretty enough to be in a boy band (he was), and his British accent slips through.

What really grinds my gears is the weak action scenes and lack of technical input from actual military or law enforcement advisors, which blows the 'realistic' claim out of the water. In general, anything to do with law enforcement or the military is inaccurate. Maybe the producers really think vets are all psychotic murderers and they wouldn't let one in the writers room? Their loss. Even allowing for suspension of disbelief, Frank is not a supernatural character with powers like Iron Fist or Luke Cage, but he is unfortunately written just like them, and the show suffers greatly for it. When they finally get around to some action, it's riddled with mistakes.

A few examples:

Frank goes hand to hand with Wolf, shoots him once with a handgun, then Wolf takes control of the gun, but it's revealed to be empty when he tries to kill Frank. Yes, Frank emptied the mag while Wolf was knocked out. But the slide would lock back when he shot Wolf with the last round, making it obvious to Wolf the gun was empty. A nice plot twist in a good scene ruined by an obvious goof by writers who are out of their depth.

When Rawlins sends an 8 person CIA team into the woods to capture Frank and Gunner, the team are wearing US Army fatigues. On US soil. Posse Comitatus anyone? Do CIA secret hit squads sneak around in US Army uniforms? And why are they carrying H&K MP5 submachine guns? Of course, it's all irrelevant because Frank and Gunner manage to outwit the clumsy CIA team with just a bow and arrow. The whole exercise was laughable and looked more like weekend warriors playing airsoft.

Special Agent Madani organizes a training session at Anvil. As an aside, anyone who has dealt with federal procurement knows that alone would take months. Anyway, we are shown Madani and Stein firing full auto weapons inside a regular office building while inexplicably wearing gas masks. Let's assume charitably they were firing blanks. None of the civilians playing as hostages in the same room have any eye or ear protection as the agents unleash their weapons. Newsflash to the writers, there are many ways to do tactical training but blinding and deafening participants definitely isn't one of them.

We are told in Episode 1 Stein is the most junior agent at the Homeland Security office, and based on the Anvil episode he clearly doesn't have much tactical experience since he shot the hostage. But in Episode 4 he plans and manages a major tactical operation including selection of overwatch locations for three snipers. Stein's Powerpoint briefing scene before the operation was also ridiculous. There is no depth to so many of these scenes. I realize the budget is a factor but good writing could close the gap.

In the same episode, Agent Madani is t-boned at speed by a truck while driving her 70's muscle car. We are shown she has a head injury and is concussed when Frank drags her from the overturned wreck, but the next moment she is at home in bed in perfect make up with mild bruising on her chest and not a scratch on her face. Apparently a couple of aspirin will cure anything. Never requiring medical attention is a common occurrence in the Netflix Marvel shows, even for characters without superpowers, but this one really stood out. If there are no consequences to any action scenes, why bother?

Lastly, Frank is showing many times walking up and getting the drop on armed opponents. Episode 4 (again!) has two examples where he walks up to three armed bad car thieves, and also 'surprises' two armed agents with a flamethrower. I don't care how crazy or good the Punisher is, his blasé attitude towards guns pointed at him in situations where he had better alternatives doesn't ring true. The whole show starts to feel like a video game set to easy mode.

OK, rant over. 5/10. Please do better Marvel and Netflix. Quit the preaching, fire the writers and hire some expert advisors.

Waiting for NESARA (2005)

Interesting for lovers of obscure cults only

[6/10 · 29 March 2010]

If you are interested in the crazy NESARA prosperity cults, then Waiting for NESARA is worth seeing. It's an eye opening look at a wacky group of ex-Mormon's in Utah who have mixed NESARA with laughable 1930's era I AM/Saint Germain guff and David Icke's reptilian nonsense and come up with an uniquely original American social and religious cult that beggars belief.

The documentary does show that people bought up in one outlandish religion are easily programmed to accept any belief system they find themselves in, even when it runs contrary to rational thought.

Unfortunately the documentary itself is hardly inspired, but since this cultic material is a personal passion of mine, I found it interesting to hear the believers speak about their religion openly. Others may not find the execution compelling unless they are fans of this admittedly obscure and kooky subject matter.

Galaxy of Terror (1981)

Galaxy of Terror - the movie that defined science fiction for a generation

[10/10 · 14 October 2009]

Galaxy of Terror is a pivotal science fiction film of the 1980's, and the breakthrough movie that made Hollywood sit up and take notice of Bruce Clark as one of the new school of directors on his path to directorial superstardom. Galaxy of Terror was also a financial jackpot for Roger Corman's New World Pictures and marked the transition from their art house and costume drama roots to the Hollywood powerhouse they are today.

This is science fiction done right, and Galaxy of Terror opens with a bang with the innovative title sequence. Corman's strong ensemble cast of A list actors in their prime is the foundation that Clark built upon. Zabriskie's portrayal of the complex, disturbed pilot Captain Trantor demonstrates why she dominated Hollywood blockbusters. Acting opposite Zabriskie, Bernard Behrens is masterful in his role as the enigmatic Commander Ilvar, and his dramatic death scene was a landmark in modern cinema. Erin Moran's telepath Alluma shows no fear in her transition from headlining the Royal Shakespeare Company to the silver screen, and her pivotal love scene must be seen to be believed. Up and coming young actor Ray Walston also gets a chance to flex his Julliard chops as the lovable Kore (poorly imitated by Lance Henriksen in a lackluster sequel). Indeed, we hardly see enough of Walston, but Galaxy of Terror marked the start of his long and successful show business career.

Action star Sid Haig is in peak condition as the warrior Quuhod, living and dying by his mysterious crystals. Haig's complex fight sequences are some of the best of his career. Sensitive romantic leads Taaffe O'Connell and Robert Englund and future Bible epic mogul Zalman King as the psychically wounded Baelon round out the stellar cast.

The complex, masterful special effects work in Galaxy of Terror set a new standard for both live action and computer generated imagery. The groundbreaking CGI sequences on board the starship Quest as it lands on Morganthus still captivate the imagination years later. The convincing model work, futuristic costumes and prosthetic makeup are state of the art cinema magic.

Clark and Sieglers screenplay (inspired by the little known Philip K Dick novel) is thoughtful and deep, with some imaginative touches. The rescue team uses their highly selective weapons to incinerate all bodies. The innovative reliance on verbal communication rather than radio adds to the nail biting tension as the crew search the terrifying alien pyramid. Through all of the complex plot twists, the mysterious 'Master' is the crucial element of the story arc that resolves the mystery at the heart of this film. Finally, Schrader's haunting electronic score sets the perfect other-worldly atmosphere, and was much imitated in years to come.

If there is one weakness of this film, I would perhaps point to some poorly considered production design and second unit director work. It's a pity that Corman gave some unknown hack a break on Clark's film, because it marred this masterpiece. Still, I'm sure it taught Corman a valuable lesson not to let anyone handle his films in the future.

A lot of people draw comparisons to Ridley Scott's inferior Alien, and even Kubrick's 2001 A Space Odyssey, but neither is anywhere near the standard of Galaxy of Terror. It's pretty clear to any viewer of this film that Ridley Scott saw an early workprint of Corman's groundbreaking masterpiece, and cribbed extensively from Galaxy of Terror for his schlockfest Alien. The facts are indisputable - Ridley Scott's Alien and the rarely seen direct to TV sequel Aliens are a shallow pastiche inspired by Galaxy of Terror. Scott cut corners due to his limited budget, a laughable and derivative script and a motley cast of nobodies, has-been's and D list actors. The TV sequel Aliens, directed by the eponymous Alan Smithee, doesn't even deserve to be mentioned in the same breath.

Corman and Clark's film has none of these limitations, and as a result Galaxy of Terror breaks free of the science fiction genre and became the cinema event of a lifetime for audiences around the galaxy.

Soldier (I) (1998)

Paul Anderson's recipe for a disastrous turkey of a film

[3/10 · 11 October 2009]

I made the mistake of watching this lemon again to see how it had aged after a decade, and it left an even worse taste in my mouth the second time around. Director Paul Anderson's preparation for Soldier consisted of throwing the following elements into a blender. First, every bad 80's post-apocalyptic film, with a tired "junk aesthetic" that might have been fresh in 1975. Add a dash of the military styled SF of James Cameron's much imitated Aliens, and then finish with a poorly executed dystopian culture in the style of Starship Troopers, or perhaps Ray Liotta's equally weak movie No Escape. The end result is a underwhelming and flat action film that doesn't deliver anything new or interesting. How Anderson spent $75m on this movie is a mystery, because the effects are either lackluster or non-existent, and the entire film takes place in a junk strewn desert filled with recycled props.

Kurt Russell's performance as a deadpan soldier is entirely predictable, and certainly wasn't worth his $20 million paycheck. The only person who emotes worth a damn is Connie Nielsen, and she must have wondered how she ended up here. Isaacs and Busey play their threadbare roles entirely for laughs (and a paycheck).

The plot of Soldier is worn, derivative and full of anachronisms. Apparently by 2020 humanity has conquered much of the galaxy, and can dedicate the entire planet of Arcadia to garbage disposal, but the military hasn't evolved past using lightly armored troops wielding flamethrowers and rocket launchers. I might be willing to swallow these plot holes in a great summer blockbuster, or an older genre film like Blade Runner, but not in fresh tripe like Soldier.

This film proves once and for all that Blade Runner was brilliant because of the superior writing of Philip K Dick, rather than the hack script of David Peoples, who apparently penned this $75m turkey. It's no surprise that he didn't work again for a decade. It's also been downhill from here for director Paul Anderson, who showed early promise with movies like Shopping and Event Horizon, only to end up churning out dreck like Soldier, then going on to destroy the Aliens and Predator franchises with his execrable AvP.

Thomas and Sarah (1979)

Shine your shoes, guvnor?

[4/10 · 27 October 2007]

Upstairs Downstairs is often cited as the pinnacle of British TV drama during the 1970's. Fine acting and writing overcame low budgets and the occasional contrived plot point, and the show never strayed too far from the orbit of the the Bellamy household and staff. The consistent quality kept viewers coming back for years.

As a spin off of Upstairs Downstairs, Thomas and Sarah started with similar high hopes, but poor writing and a heavy reliance on the comparatively inexperienced lead actors of the title doomed the show to a single season before folding.

There was little consistency between episodes, and halfway through the first season Thomas and Sarah end up wandering the British countryside, going from adventure to adventure in a style more suited to Dr Who or the Goodies than fine drama. Some of the episodes were pure farce played with a straight face and one can only guess what the writers were thinking. The character of Thomas veered between lukewarm "husband" to soulless raconteur and conman with alarming regularity. Sarah's character was similarly opaque and one dimensional, and the show lacked supporting cast capable of filling out the storyline. The final episodes are excruciatingly bad even by 1970's standards.

Although the demise of Thomas and Sarah is blamed on a writers strike, it was destined for failure after the rapid decline in quality. The funeral attended by Sarah in the last episode is not that of Thomas or her recent beau, but almost certainly one or more of the writers responsible for running this show into the ground.

Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005 Video)

Come back Kevin Yagher - all is forgiven!

[1/10 · 8 September 2006]

Clive Barker's original Hellraiser is a seminal horror film. Even Hellraiser Four (directed by Kevin Yagher as Alan Smithee) is a distant memory of heaven compared to Rick Bota's three dreadful sequels, Hellseeker, Deader and Hellworld.

Hellraiser:Hellworld sets the bar even lower than I imagined possible after the abysmal example set by Deader, the seventh film in the series. Dimension throws this beloved franchise to the dogs with another Eastern European disaster that lacks any tension or style whatsoever. Each of these sequels started life as an unrelated script with the Hellraiser elements grafted on in Frankenstein fashion, and Hellworld is no exception.

Like too many recent films, Hellworld relies on the metafiction structure pioneered in horror films by Wes Craven's New Nightmare and Scream, but it is a halfhearted attempt as the computer game of the title is barely explained. The clichéd teen protagonists are absolutely predictable, the dialog is dreadful and the resulting mess is painful to watch. Pinhead is an empty caricature about as menacing as Thomas the Tank Engine. The film feels like it was made on autopilot, from the 'rave' scenes through to the jarring music mix and rapid edits and finishing with a cheesy montage. If there was any justice in the world, Doug Bradley and Lance Henriksen would get better movie gigs, Rick Bota would stick to directing bad TV movies and Clive Barker would come to his senses and force them to remove his name from this garbage.

The sad truth is the Hellraiser franchise has been deader than Uncle Frank for over a decade, but Dimension are determined to hammer more nails into the coffin until they have rung the last cent out of it. Less original series like Friday the 13th, and Halloween have wavered but ultimately recovered over the years. Sadly it appears the Hellraiser series is completely doomed despite its original promise and flair.

Saw II (2005)

Saw II - Electric Boogaloo

[4/10 · 29 August 2006]

Saw was a stylish, gritty horror film made by two independent Australian film makers. Saw II, like so many other horror sequels, is a bloated, hackneyed Hollywood monstrosity that squanders most of the promise of the original and left me disappointed.

I expect horror films to follow some sort of internal logic. Indeed, the best horror creates its own world and set of rules. Saw II throws logic out the window, resorting to a cheesy montage at the end to explain the obvious plot devices. When you add that to poor pacing, a hyper-kinetic editing style and story holes a mile wide, Saw II makes for unpleasant viewing for anyone except the most uncritical horror fan.

Why do producers cast as many out-of-work actors as possible in a film? Instead of the intense character development of the first movie, Saw II is stuffed with an ensemble of ten people we barely know or care about. To totally ruin any illusion of reality, they jam in Beverly Mitchell (best known as the smiling pastors daughter from TV soap Seventh Heaven) as another hapless victim with perhaps three lines of dialog, wandering aimlessly throughout the film for no apparent reason. Jigsaw's new accomplice is also poorly cast, being obvious to the viewer within minutes but lacking both acting skills and sufficient menace for this key role. For those two sins alone, the casting director deserves to face Jigsaw.

By raising the stakes and expanding Jigsaw's Rube Goldberg contraptions to a seemingly endless labyrinth, the entire premise begins to stagger under its own weight. The earlier Saw contraptions were fiendish but on such a small scale I was willing to suspend disbelief. Saw II had so many gadgets it felt like a Bond movie, and there was none of the tension and mood of the original film. I can accept a huge maze loaded with traps, poison gas and automated thousand pound steel doors built by Dr No and henchmen, but not by a wheelchair bound psycho with a single accomplice!

The police depicted in this film are the real horror. They send a single SWAT team after a high-profile serial killer and criminal genius. The backup tech team takes one hour and forty five minutes to arrive. We hear the officers calling for a bomb squad that never shows up. With everything the police know about Jigsaw's predilections for traps, we are expected to believe these officers are foolish enough to enter his lair without a bomb squad? Even two hours after his arrest, there are only a handful of police in the whole building, Jigsaw himself has not been restrained beyond a pair of handcuffs, and nobody has searched his lair. At this point, the plot begins to closely resemble one of Jigsaw's creaky contraptions, and the viewer realizes it is they, not the actors, caught in a hellish device of torture. When they used the 'closing trapdoor' gag not once, not twice but three times, it dawned on me that I just wanted the victims to die and the movie to be done with.

Horror sequels rarely approach their originals. To no great surprise, the Saw movies have plumbed the depths almost immediately. What shocks me more is the number of positive reviews and the high rating on IMDb. If this is the future of horror movies, I would rather read a book.

Alien Siege (2005 TV Movie)

More dreck, bought to you by the SciFi channel

[3/10 · 3 July 2006]

'Alien Siege' is more Sci Fi channel dreck, churned out by the UFO film company in Eastern Europe. I have to wonder why I actually bother anymore with these no budget cable movies that Sci Fi channel seems to put out every month. They show zero creativity, poor acting and the hokey computer graphics and stock 3D models just add insult to injury. The plot of Alien Siege is entirely derivative of alien invasion films like 'V' and 'Earth - Final Conflict' and brings nothing new to the genre. The only part worth watching is the trailer, which packs more thrills than the actual movie.

Maybe next time Sci Fi could give the quarter million dollar budget to some independent director to make a low budget science fiction movie with some original ideas, rather than waste it on yet another Saturday night disappointment like this one. The existence of a great low budget SF movie like 'Primer' is a perfect demonstration of why 'Alien Blood' is truly a cultural invasion, with or without aliens.

Dark Days (2000)

An incredible documentary - essential viewing

[9/10 · 20 March 2006]

Dark Days is a low key, moving documentary that changed my preconceived views of homeless people. The fact that this film was made by a first-time director on a shoestring budget serves as a stark reminder of the power of the moving image to enlighten us all.

The entire film is shot in black and white, and much of it is set in the squalid train tunnels and makeshift dwelling under New York. I doubt many people even knew that human beings lived down there. Although viewing the film is somewhat grim, there is a message of hope in the end. Regardless of your political persuasion and views on homelessness, I challenge anyone not to be deeply affected by this film. Highly recommended.

Cabin Fever (2002)

Watching Cabin Fever is like being on a plane that you know is going to crash

[4/10 · 20 March 2006]

I had high hopes for this film, a first time effort by director Eli Roth who shot it on a $1.5m budget. To my dismay, Cabin Fever is a shallow pastiche of horror classics like Evil Dead, Friday the 13th and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre that adds nothing to the genre. The first strike against this film was the awful casting, the typical "Dawsons Creek" twenty-something actors that Hollywood feels obliged to cast as teenagers in so many modern horror films. The plot is confusing, entirely unoriginal, and fails to deliver laughs, tension or real scares. Although there are some continuity errors and confusing twists in the film, it is competently shot and technically proficient. Alas, that doesn't cover the obvious flaws, and by the halfway point I was waiting for it to finish with mild boredom rather than any sense of engagement. The attempts at humor fall flat, and Roth's appearance on screen makes Tarantino's woeful acting in Pulp Fiction look like Marlon Brando by comparison.

I'd read that Roth was an inspired horror director which led me to expect much more, but in reality this film could have been written and directed by any Hollywood hack. Compared to recent low and mid budget horror films like Saw and House of 1000 Corpses, Cabin Fever falls short in pretty much every department. If you want horror comedy, Shaun of the Dead leaves this film in the dust.

Firefly (2002–2003)

Little House On The Prairie In Space

[28 January 2006]

I never caught Firefly on TV, instead seeing it on DVD after the movie Serenity came out. It's certainly very watchable TV, technically slick and has some original concepts. The acting is great and overall it is better than most of the dreck the networks come up with.

Unfortunately Firefly also suffers from uninspired writing in many places that made me cringe. If you believe the hype, this show is original TV like Twin Peaks or the X Files, but in fact many of the episodes look a lot like recycled plots from old science fiction shows. We've got Episode 7, the "crew member gets married without realizing it in an alien ritual" plot line, Episode 8, the "crew member worshipped as god" plot line, Episode 4, the "abandoned ship in space" plot line, Episode 5, the "crew member accidentally challenges someone to a duel" etc etc. Early in the DVD set I felt like they started grabbing at straws for story concepts, and it shows. Maybe this is the real reason that FOX mixed up the broadcast order, because there are certainly some clunker episodes early in the season.

The space Western/Asian theme was cute at first, but it started to wear thin pretty quick. Lead characters speak in Chinese, and we are told China is one of the remaining superpowers, but we rarely see any Asians! I love Westerns as much as the next guy, but exactly how many planets are full of folks riding horses, toting revolvers and wearing cowboy hats, while the bad guys fly around in spaceships the size of small cities? I realize much of this was due to a low budget, but each show very quickly ended up a lot like Stargate SG-1, where every alien planet looks exactly like a forest in British Columbia - instead, on Firefly most of the planets look like a studio lot where they used to film Westerns. I happened to watch the "Shindig" episode back to back with Little House On The Prairie, and the similarities were uncanny, right down to the bar fight!

It's also unclear how Serenity travels from planet to planet. They appear to be endlessly dipping in and out of different planets, and in several episodes they cross paths with other ships in deep space for no apparent reason, yet they never appear to travel faster than light during these encounters. I am perfectly willing to suspend disbelief, but Firefly doesn't make much of an attempt at a rational universe.

Ultimately, it all seems very deus ex machina, as if the creators had some great ideas for characters but couldn't quite come up with a compelling world to put them in or original things for them to do.

Andra (1976)

Great Australian science fiction

[1 January 2006]

This Australian TV show was made for children by the ABC, originally adapted from the science fiction novel of the same name by British writer Louise Lawrence. Many well known Australian TV actors made their first appearances in the show.

I saw Andra on television as a kid and the show had a significant impact on me at the time. The poignant story of the future Andra juxtaposed with a child from the 1980's was quite innovative. I imagine it would look impossibly primitive by modern television standards, but for the era of 1970's TV it was an excellent and thought provoking piece on a future society gone wrong. It would make an ideal premise for a modern series.

The Wizard of Mars (1965)

Classic Hewitt Z grade blockbuster

[10/10 · 1 January 2006]

I saw this little gem on late nite TV as a kid and it has stuck with me every since. From the psychotronic sound track to the low budget effects and cheesy plot, this is a gem of Z grade science fiction from a true Hollywood outsider - David L Hewitt, the king of low budget masterpieces!

I guess I'm nostalgic about unloved, low budget movies from this time period. If you shot a movie like this today on your fancy video camera, edited it on your Macintosh and promoted it on the Internet, it would suck royally. I have a certain respect for self-made directors like Hewitt who churned out exploitation flicks like this in the 60's, when it truly was a 'labor of love'.

I own several Hewitt movies on DVD but sadly, Wizard has yet to see the light of day. I'd pay good money for a Wizard of Mars collectors edition DVD with a commentary from the master himself. Quick, someone get Criterion on the case!

Down and Out with the Dolls (2001)

Interesting idea turned into a disappointing film

[4/10 · 31 December 2005]

I rented Down and Out with the Dolls on a whim, and I was sorely disappointed. The idea of a film based on the Portland indie music scene appealed to me. Unfortunately, this movie fails to fulfill the promise.

Almost all of the cast are non-actors and it shows. Much of the dialog and delivery falls flat. The film looks like it was shot straight to video and overall has an amateurish hand-held feel to it. I was surprised to see the director has ten previous films to his credit, because the level of this movie barely surpasses that of a student film.

Land of the Dead (2005)

Day of the Dead part II

[5/10 · 29 November 2005]

Day of the Dead pt II

As much I love Romero's first two zombie films, his output as a director is hit and miss. Fans have forgotten his decades long dry spell with a string of uninspired films. Unfortunately Land of the Dead, the fourth film in his zombie series is a clunker, much like the third installment Day of the Dead was back in 1985.

There are some great stylistic elements to Land, but overall the plot is confusing and you could drive the 'Dead Reckoning' truck through the holes in it. The acting is weak and the motivations of the characters are impenetrable. Casting a string of B list stars in a Romero film seems to subtract from the gritty realism of his earlier films which rarely featured recognizable faces. Yes, there is plenty of gore and it's well done, but that cannot sustain an entire film by itself.

Many reviewers have lauded the social commentary in Land of the Dead. I found it heavy handed and juvenile, following the plot of a thousand other Z grade sci-fi films. Where is the director who gave us the brilliant parody of consumerism in Dawn of the Dead and the deep social commentary film Martin in 1977? As Romero has wandered further from his independent roots, his films have become less effective. Land of the Dead is a pastiche which will please hardcore zombie fans but unlike his earlier films, it won't cause people to think.

The overall experience of this film is unsatisfying. Romero's directorial vision hasn't translated well to the demands of modern cinema, and there is no biting social commentary to make up for it. As much as I detest remakes, the recent recycling of Dawn of the Dead was a far more compelling and visceral horror film than this movie. Shaun of the Dead and 28 Days Later showed a couple of new approaches to the genre. Romero's approach feels tired and old, like a TV film from the 1980's.

It pains me to write this, as I consider myself a fan of Romero and I bought the DVD for this film sight unseen, but unfortunately Romero has been superseded by the genre he created.

Alien vs. Predator (2004)

Contrived PG13 films squanders the franchise

[4/10 · 26 February 2005]

This film was a major let-down. Anderson is not a bad director, and Event Horizon and Resident Evil were passable horror films. Unfortunately, I think AvP had too many writers and producers involved, and any original vision got watered down into a PG13 movie that looks like it was made by a committee.

Although technically slick, AvP is a pastiche of clichés with the most contrived plot I've had the misfortune to witness for some time. Just because I'm willing to suspend disbelief in Aliens and Predators doesn't mean you can expect me to swallow the 'deus ex machina' plot of this movie. At least Alien 4 managed to come up with some unique twists. AvP on the other hand is entirely predictable.

The most disappointing aspect is squandering the strength of one great franchise (Alien) and one good franchise (Predator) on this mediocre movie.

Jeepers Creepers (2001)

You'll beg for the protagonists to die quickly

[4/10 · 26 February 2005]

Although technically adept , this film is incredibly annoying and cliché. The protagonists actions are predictably stupid and lame. When faced with imminent death by some sort of supernatural serial killer, instead of getting the hell out of Dodge, they take _forever_ to get away. We are an hour into the movie before they even get to a police station, and when they do, it's the worlds worst lit police station, complete with 5 watt emergency lighting.

The appearance of the ridiculous psychic character just adds to the farce. The combination of poor writing and poor acting ruins any enjoyment I would have gotten from this film. It's a shame they had to waste $10m on such a poor script.

The Ring (2002)

Verbinski's vision reigns supreme

[16 September 2004]

When a novel like Koji Suzuki's 'Ringu' spawns films in Korea, Japan and Hollywood, it's rare to find the one made in Hollywood beats all that came before it. With The Ring, Verbinski has broken Hollywood's usual curse in this respect, and delivered a fine horror film.

Fanboys often claim Hideo Nakata's earlier Japanese film based on the Ringu novel is superior, and Verbinski's film is a shallow copy. Nothing could be further from the truth. While Nakata's film is faithful to the novel, the execution was flawed by several items in my opinion. First was a low budget which limited the scope and production values severely. The most annoying however was the suspension of disbelief required with respect to the psychic powers of the ex-husband. Although common in Japanese supernatural films, Western audiences find this plot device very hard to swallow. Nakata also attempted to explain too much of the back story of Sadako/Samara and ended up losing some of the impact of the story. While the back story may have worked in a novel, it doesn't work well in Nakata's film. Finally the ending scenes of Nakata's film were perhaps the weakest of the entire movie and robbed the film of impact.

I submit that Verbinski's The Ring is a superior interpretation of the original novel to the screen. Verbinski took the core elements of Ringu, transplanted it to Seattle with a much larger budget and a superior cast and overlaid a certain sense of style earlier interpretations lacked. Unlike Nakata, Verbinski deploys no deus ex machina plot devices and the key characters in the film are much more believable to Western audiences.

The result is definitely one of the most original horror films in the last ten years. 8/10

The Tormentors (1971)

Hewitt strikes again!

[16 September 2004]

Another weird film from the hand of David L Hewitt, this cool little exploitation flick may mark the height of the 'Nazi Biker gang' genre circa 1971. Discriminating genre collectors will recognize Hewitt as the unseen hand behind many interesting Z grade flicks from the 60's and 70's. This film lives up (or down) to the genre, with a variety of hackneyed concepts and scenes which are frankly laughable by modern standards. However, back in the 70's I guess this was considered state of the art exploitation fare. Hewitt revisits the Nazi theme in his final film to date, The Lucifer Complex, made in 1978.

I'd like to thank the mysterious folks at Platinum Disc Corporation of sunny La Grosse, Wisconsin for the DVD release of The Tormentors, saving this psychotronic treasure from oblivion. Maybe one day we will see a Collectors Edition of Hewitt's masterpiece 'Wizard of Mars'. Until then, I guess fans will have to be satisfied with no-frills DVD releases like this one.