jxmakela Reviews

Romper Stomper (1992)

Great! (spoilers)

[9/10 · 6 October 2004]

Romper Stomper documents the downward spiral of a gang of Neo-Nazi skinheads in Melbourne. (not all skinheads are Nazis, racists, or even white, by the way, and people should keep that in mind while watching this movie). The group's leader, Hando, deeply hates all non-whites and studies Mein Kampf.

However, one day the Vietnamese community victimized by Hando's gang decide to take justice into their own hands, and defeat Hando's gang in a fight, which leaves them reeling: they've lost their base of operations as well as many of their members. Things are complicated further by a destructive love triangle between Hando, his second man and a co-dependent and self-destructive rich b*tch who likes bad boys.

Romper Stomper doesn't pull any punches. This movie hands the recent (and complete failure) Football Factory its a$$ on a plate. RS has a better story, better characters, better dialogue, better everything. And the fight scenes are about 50 times more effective because unlike in Football Factory, Romper Stomper doesn't edit out the hatred, fear, pain and the injuries. The party scene is great too, and the sex scenes are much better than the usual prudish Hollywood fare. Romper Stomper is also way better than American History X, which at the end becomes a condescending candyland fairy tale.

Some of the references to A Clockwork Orange are a bit too obvious, such as Hando's white trousers and black coat. But that's really the only minor problem I have with this film.

Dirty Pretty Things (2002)

Whitey is bad, bad, bad (SPOILERS)

[3/10 · 28 September 2004]

Okwe, a doctor of medicine, chess master and all-round renaissance man, not to mention a saint, has been forced to migrate to London from his homeland of Nigeria. Predictably, he has to work two jobs on the brink of exhaustion, because of Whitey's horrible oppression.

Okwe lives with Senay, a Turkish woman who also has come to London in the hopes of finding a better life. To everyone's surprise, Senay falls in love with Okwe but the affair doesn't work out because of Whitey's persecution. Instead, Okwe and Senay get involved in illegal organ trade.

Dirty Pretty Things is not entirely without merit, but it is definitely is flawed in many ways. Okwe's character is very superficial, while Senay has no depth at all. Her only attribute (besides being in love with Okwe) is that she's a virgin, and the moment we hear that, we know for certain that before the film is over, she will lose her virginity at the hands of some evil white man.

Dirty Pretty Things works fine as self-flagellatory fodder for self-hating white liberals. Others should approach with caution.

The Football Factory (2004)

This is our sandbox, not yours

[7/10 · 28 September 2004]

Tommy Johnson is a Londoner in his late twenties, whose only attribute is that he likes fighting. Well, OK, he also likes alcohol and sex, but then who doesn't? The Football Factory follows Tommy's adventures with a hooligan firm that supports the Chelsea football club. Most of the time Tommy and his friends (or, as the vaguely sexual term used by these people goes, "mates") are high and drunk or either high, drunk and getting their @sses kicked by the fans of rival football teams.

I watched this film and "Withnail & I" within a few days of each other. The conclusion: it sucks to be a man in England. Your choices are to be alcoholic and violent, or alcoholic and homosexual. Pity them, but fear them also.

The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things (2004)

Child abuse extravaganza!

[6/10 · 28 September 2004]

The competition for who had the worst childhood is now definitely over. "The Heart Is Deceitful, Above All Things" is based on the childhood experiences of author JT Leroy, whose childhood basically seems to have been an unending marathon of all the imaginable kinds of child abuse, with a few types of abuse no sane person can contemplate thrown in.

To me, this film is mainly a testament for the ability of children to adapt to just about any kind of circumstances, no matter how horrific of even inhuman they may be. As a former abused child (although the abuse I experienced as a child was nowhere near as horrific as the torment Jeremiah experiences in this film) I can definitely identify with his character. Kids can adapt to any situation, although the scars never fully heal later in life, even if you manage to escape into a better life.

Asia Argento's acting and direction both leave a lot to be desired, but all in all the end result is in definitely on the positive side. I'll look forward to her next film.

Steamboy (2004)

Steampunk goodness all the way

[8/10 · 28 September 2004]

Admiring the gadgets, machines and all the insanely gorgeous animation you won't have enough time to wonder where the plot or character development went.

Steamboy is set in Victorian England, the age of inventions and the industrial revolution. Dr. Steam has developed a ball that contains an enormous amount of pressure, that can be used to power huge amounts of steam machines. However, Dr. Steam's son and grandson both have their own designs...

I've never been a huge anime fan, but I've enjoyed every film I've seen that Otomo has been involved in, and this one is no exception to the rule. Since I enjoyed it as a non-anime fan, I recommend to all others like me who are curious about anime.

The Isle (2000)

Ouch!!

[9/10 · 4 September 2004]

Well, this one is guaranteed to cause nightmares for the art-house crowd looking for some artistic, PC, multicultural cinema to make them feel aware and superior.

"The Isle" is basically a love story between two people who have given up all hope. The two main characters express their feelings only through shocking mental and physical abuse (often directed at themselves).

This film progresses in a slow, matter-of-fact manner. The beauty of the lakeside surroundings, rendered by the excellent cinematography, creates a powerful contrast with the sordid relationship between the protagonists.

This movie definitely will sink its hooks under your skin. Watch it and see what I mean.

Beyond Re-Animator (2003)

Astonishing but true: this movie actually is pretty good

[6/10 · 4 September 2004]

Dr. Herbert West, the re-animator, has been jailed for the last 15 years. However, there hasn't been much progress when it comes to the rehabilitation of this particular sociopath; no, our beloved mad scientist is still as psychotic as ever, and still obsessed with bringing dead tissue back into "that strange state of being that we refer to as life", with predictably bloody and gruesome results.

Brian Yuzna does an admirable job with the resources available to him in this third installment of the Re-animator series. As before, Jeff Combs with his adorably insane performance keeps the movie afloat, while the other performances are pretty feeble. This time around there's an even stronger emphasis on the comedy aspect than before, which is probably a good idea, but thankfully Yuzna doesn't stray completely into spoof territory. In addition to the humor, there are some pretty good gore scenes, including a very disgusting scene involving a pet rat and a severed male member. If you ask me, this particular corpse is worth re-animating at least once more.

Crumb (1994)

Sex, drugs and piggyback rides

[9/10 · 4 September 2004]

Robert Crumb became an idol among hippies in the 1960's because of the psychedelic comics he drew at the time. In this excellent film, directed by Terry Zwigoff (who also directed the excellent, and also comic book related, "Ghost World" and "American Splendor") Crumb starts out by telling that he hates just about all the work he is most famous for. This is typical, Í think, of Crumb: he is uncompromisingly politically incorrect, completely unafraid to speak his mind openly, and above all disgusted by the idea of selling out for money.

I have been a fan of Crumb ever since I advanced beyond Donald Duck and Marvel Comics about 20 years ago (this is not to say that I don't love Donald or Marvel anymore, because I do). Crumb is probably the most talented comic book artist of the latter half of the 20t Century. Quite simply, I don't think anyone can draw as well as he does. He is not much of a storyteller, but like I pointed out above, that is more than made up by the fact that he is always totally candid about his life, sometimes painfully and embarrassingly so.

"Crumb" is an excellent portrait of an exceptionally talented artist who also happens to be a total pervert. However, as this film makes abundantly clear, Robert Crumb is practically the ideal model of a stable, well-adjusted person when compared to his mother or his brothers Charles and Maxon. We see once again that great suffering makes a great artist.

Cypher (2002)

An undiscovered little gem

[7/10 · 30 August 2004]

What is George Orwell had written the plot of "Fight Club"? What if Philip K. Dick wrote a script for a spy thriller? The answer is here and it's called "Cypher"

Here's another future cult hit from one today's most underestimated young directors, Vincenzo Natali. In his debut, "Cube", Natali made exemplary use of limited resources. For "Cypher", the production values are deservedly higher and Natali has more room to move. Luckily, Natali keeps his self-control and doesn't get carried away with the big guns and special effects just because he can. "Cypher" has the same claustrophobic, tense and dystopic atmosphere as "Cube".

Jeremy Northam's role as a miserable corporate rat trying to break out of the rat race is memorable. Lucy Liu, on the other hand, falls somewhat short of her role and ends up doing a "femme fatale" by numbers. The plot, especially during the first half, is nightmarishly funny and especially the corporate convention scenes were hilarious.

Later on, the plot stumbles a few times but luckily it always manages to get back on track. The most disappointing thing is the final outcome, which is supposed to come as a surprise but you can see coming a mile away.

All in all, "Cypher" is an understated, intelligent scifi film of the kind that we get to see much too little of. I look forward to seeing new films by Vincenzo Natali.

Stalker (1979)

What an ordeal

[6/10 · 28 August 2004]

"Stalker" is quite possibly the most slow-paced science-fiction movie ever made. While the excellent novel by the great Soviet SciFi authors, the brothers Arkadi and Arkadi Strugatski, was a robust and irreverent adventure story, Tarkovski's version gets stuck in the typically ponderous territory Tarkovski seems happiest to inhabit. Instead of a relatively straightforward, intelligent scifi story, Tarkovski delivers endless discussions on theology, science and art from the three main character -- often while they lie down in puddles of mud.

As much as mainstream critics love Tarkovski, I have to admit that this time he went in a different direction from what I would have preferred. Maybe I'm just an ignorant barbarian, but people lying down in puddles whiling about their misery is no replacement for an actual plot.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

Dismal

[4/10 · 24 August 2004]

Would someone please erase all memories of Michel Gondry's existence from Charlie Kaufman's mind? This is the second time that Gondry ruins one of Kaufman's scripts. Let there not be a third time.

"The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" has an extremely interesting premise and a cast full of talented actors. The right director could easily have made this into a film that rivals "Being John Malcovich" or "Adaptation". Gondry, on the other hand, has made it into a pile redundant, self-indulgent nonsense.

The bulk of the film consists of endless and absolutely pointless visual trickery that only confuses, bores and alienates the viewer. About halfway through the film, I was trying to decide whether to walk out or to wait for something to start actually happening. I'm not sorry I stuck it out, because things do wrap up in the end and it all ends in a relatively positive note, but all in all that doesn't make up for the fact that the entire previous hour of the film has been wasted.

I also hate the way this movie looks -- drab, dark and unnecessarily ugly. I understand that these people lead uninteresting and pedestrian lives, OK? There's no need to shove it down my throat.

BTW, this film has no actual nudity, but being directed by a Frenchman, it does have some T&A -- possibly to keep male viewers from falling asleep. Kate Winslett takes care of the "T" department while Kirsten Dunst is on the "A" case.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

An OK teeny slasher

[5/10 · 26 July 2004]

Thankfully I had no great expectations when I saw this. I've seen the original ages ago, don't remember much about it except the scene where one of the characters tries to escape the house and runs into an endless amount of sheets hung out to dry while Leatherface rips into them with his chainsaw just a few yards behind. That scene was included in this version, too, unlike the one where grandpa tries to bash the heroine's skull.

This remake is an OK popcorn slasher, nowhere near as shocking or important as the original. Thankfully it doesn't even try to match the original, because the results would almost certainly have been completely ridiculous.

Among the highlights: Jessica Biehl in Daisy Dukes and a tight top, and the psychotic drill instructor from Full Metal Jacket as the town sheriff.

The Acid House (1998)

Grotesque, filthy fun

[8/10 · 26 July 2004]

I don't give a rat's a$$ whether the social commentary is accurate or not or what this film's "artistic sensibilities" are supposed to be. This movie is a riot. It's romp through the ugliest, most politically incorrect depths of everyone's subconscious. This film needs to be watched during a particularly bad hangover, wearing only underpants with holes in them, while eating cold pizza from the night before and sucking on your first hair-of-the-dog beer.

The second segment is the best one, and also the most realistic one. A pathetic, hopeless man living a grim, hopeless life has his become accustomed to his misery, until a neighbor from hell makes his existence even more intolerable than before. This segment is definitely an allegory of every working class life.

The Punisher (2004)

Not quite as punishing to watch as it might have been

[6/10 · 22 July 2004]

OK, this movie is bad, but what did you expect from a movie with Travolta in it? Travolta's presence is a virtual guarantee that the movie will be a total stinker (Pulp Fiction is the one exception that confirms the rule, and I'm still cursing Tarantino for resurrecting Travolta's career and allowing him to make lousy movies for another couple of decades all over again).

However, if you don't expect too much, The Punisher '04 supplies an evening's worth of stupid, morose fun. The plot is totally nonsensical as expected and Thomas Jane has the charisma of a brick, but on the positive side, Travolta's performance is slightly less pitiful than usual. The story of Frank Castle's revenge progresses in such a formulaic and predictable way that you can't help but admire the courage of the production team: they're making a movie that been done about a thousand times already, and yet they really seem to believe in it.

So for me, The Punisher is undemanding, cheesy, throwaway entertainment. Thankfully my favorite Marvel characters have always been The X-Men and The Fantastic Four. If I were a serious Punisher fan I probably would have been enraged.

Lilya 4-Ever (2002)

Exploitative filth

[2/10 · 20 July 2004]

Lilja 4-Ever is an excellent example of Swedish hypocrisy and condescension at its very worst. This film is a revolting mix of kiddie porn and holier-than-thou sentimentalism, for people who want to feel aware, concerned and superior, but also want to get the secret thrills of the rape scenes. The scenes with Lilja and Volodna with angel wings on their backs, on the other hand, were simply beyond ridiculous.

Another thing about this film that drives me up the wall is the borderline-racist way it depicts all Russians: greedy, uncaring and alcoholic. And I don't speak Russian, but I know several people who do (some of them native speakers) and those of them who've seen this film say that the Russian dialogue is totally unrealistic. I've been told that especially teenagers would never in reality talk the way they do in this movie.

The problem of child trafficking is real, of course, and something should be done about it. Watching this film and feeling like you've become a better person for,however, it is not the answer.

One final related note: the director of this film, Lucas Moodysson, was among the figureheads of a movement for outlawing patronizing protitutes. In other words, in Sweden prostitutes are allowed by law to offer their services, but the men who hire them are committing a crime. I suppose it's possible that the people who supported the law partially believed their own claims about how it was supposed to help sex workers, especially immigrants. However, as anyone with half a brain can guess, the results were exactly the opposite: prostitution went even further underground and ruthless pimps, such as the one in Lilja 4-Ever, now have more power than ever. Prostitutes, on the other hand, are in a desperate situation: they are paid less, cannot decide for themselves the conditions in which they work and are unable to choose their own customers. The idea that someone would have the gall to make a film supposedly calling your attention to a problem, and at the same time advocating a law that makes that very problem much worse makes me sick.

Santo in the Wax Museum (1963)

Not worth its cult status

[3/10 · 19 July 2004]

El Santo, a Mexican superhero who's part Batman and part Hulk Hogan, gets involved in a mad scientist's nefarious schemes. When he's not solving the mysteries of a bizarre wax museum, he's trashing his opponents in a wrestling ring.

I've been curious about Mexican wrestling movies for a few years, so when I got the chance to check out two of them, I decided to take the bait. This one was the better one of the two (the other one, Las Luchadoras Contra la Mumia, was just excruciating). While I'm not sorry I watched them, I can't say that anyone who hasn't seen them has missed anything.

El Santo en el Museo de Cera is silly and incredibly dated. See it only if you love obscure and very bad films.

Girl with a Pearl Earring (2003)

Frustrating but not entirely without merit (may contain some mild spoilers)

[5/10 · 6 July 2004]

Vermeer becomes obsessed with a chambermaid and wants to paint her picture. Meanwhile, the girl of course turns out to be more talented than people give her credit for. So far, so good. A pity that the film feels unconvincing and artificial, and it leaves way too many loose ends.

Colin Firth as Vermeer is an absolute disaster. He has the same blank, empty but yet incredibly sleazy expression on his face as the gigolos that populate beaches at Mediterranean holiday resorts. The Michael Bolton hairdo doesn't help, either. There's no way I'll believe that this idiot could draw even a stick figure.

Scarlett Johanssen is very beautiful, of course, and gives a much better performance than First (not that that's in any way difficult). But for most of the movie, she still has only two expressions on her face: stoned or scared.

On the positive side: the cinematography is splendid and, as far as I can tell, life in 17th Century Holland is pretty well portrayed. The greedy matriarch was the one character in the film with any kind of substance.

One of Vermeer's brats seemed to be putting together some nasty scheme for most of the film. That's yet another thing that amounted to nothing.

Tous les matins du monde (1991)

The fartsiest artsy rubbish I've ever seen

[1/10 · 6 July 2004]

If you insist on watching this garbage, please note that below there may be a SPOILER or two.

There simply is no worse way to begin a film than this. A close-up of Gerard Depadieu's face, who prattles on and on about playing some instrument no-one cares about, in a "deep and artistic" voice. Wearing a wig. For 15 friggin' minutes!

Just when I thought that I had died and gone to hell, the torture abated down to a non-lethal level, and the rest of the film was merely gruesome. Depardieu, one of the most loathsome characters in cinema, plays some pr*ck who is supposedly pretty good at playing the fiddle. In fact, he's so good that two sisters fall in love with him and then pine to death over him. And then Depardieu struts around some more being deep and artistic.

This film is nothing but a cavalcade of pretentious, faux-artistic nonsense. It's intellectual toxic waste such as this that gives art house cinema its bad reputation. Tout les Matins du Monde is so painful to watch it can cause hallucinations.

Rambo III (1988)

One for the cynics

[3 July 2004]

Rambo III is a below-average 80's action film that deserves to be forgotten by everyone, except by those disgusted by the present American government's hypocrisy and by the average, run-of-the-mill America-hater. In other words, about 3/4 of the globe's population should watch this film.

John Rambo, the invincible killing machine, fights the stupid and cruel Soviets in Afganistan. Soviet soldiers fire fully automatic Kalashnikov assault rifles at him from a distance of 5 metres, but of course they cant hit him. Then Rambo joins forces with the Taleban, who in the 80's were considered good guys by the Reagan administration. The rest in history.

Masters of the Universe (1987)

Embarrassing and dull

[3 July 2004]

I was dumb as a kid. I swallowed hook, line and sinker whatever evil, exploitative corporate scheme that was designed to capture children's minds and the contents of their parents' wallets. As a consequence, I spent several years of my childhood pestering my folks to buy me worthless chunks of plastic with the Masters of the Universe logo on the packaging. I remember seeing this on VHS as soon as it came out on video, and the one thing I remember about that viewing is that I was disappointed by how unfaithful it was to the original cartoon series.

Time passed, I grew up and began spending my money in marginally less useless ways. Then one day I came across the VHS in a flea market.

Peter Bagge's excellent "Hate" comic book series has a character named Jay, who makes his living selling vintage toys and other memorabilia -- stuff that has no value except to people who valued them as children. Jay's motto is "the desire to reclaim some dusty, forgotten corner of your childhood can be overwhelming at times" (or something to that effect). I always doubted this and considered people who give in to such urges a bit foolish. Well, I'm no longer laughing -- the person laughing now is the guy who managed to flog me the MotU VHS.

I recently watched the movie after a sauna and a few drinks. It is a very bad film, of course, I didn't expect anything else, but what I found disappointing was that it wasn't even funny. Mocking this is too easy, it's like making fun of Vanilla Ice or saying that J-Lo and Affleck suck as actors. All I felt while watching the MotU movie, besides boredom, was a vague sense of embarrassment and unease: had I really looked forward to this cr*p as a kid?

I admit that I probably would have been at least a bit thrilled to see some of my favorite characters from the cartoon and the toy line (Moss Man, Modulok, Two Bad, Stinkor, etc -- the baddies were my favorites). But the MotU movie is just another Star Wars ripoff (while Star Wars, btw, now looks more than ever like just a pale imitation of LotR). Many people praise Langella's performance as Skeletor, and sure, he's a good actor, so what? His role is just ridiculous.

I wish I had left this particular dusty, forgotten corner of my childhood unreclaimed.

Repo Man (1984)

My all-time fave movie

[10/10 · 3 July 2004]

I saw this movie on television a year or two after it came out. That would be sometime in the mid-80's and I was around 9 years old. I was immediately mesmerized by this film's cool, zany atmosphere, the great music and the streetwise but also completely off-the-wall story. Ever since, I've seen this movie dozens of times. I've seen the English version with the "there isn't a repo man that doesn't take speed" scene, the American version with the scene where Otto smashes the pay phone. I've seen it dubbed in Spanish, Portuguese and German. And now I finally have it on DVD and I watch it every two months or so.

I never get tired of this movie. I've seen it so many times over the years that it's become a part of who I am. I know most of the film's fantastic dialogue by heart, and the last time I watched it (I was pretty drunk after coming home after a night out) I found myself singing along to the stupid 7-Up advertising jingle that Kevin sings in the beginning.

Because of this film, Harry Dean Stanton is my favorite actor. Repo Man is also the only good movie Emilio Estevez has ever been in.

If you are unlucky enough to not have seen this movie yet, please do yourself a favor and see it as soon possible. But before you do... C'MON, LET'S GO GET A DRINK !!

Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom (1975)

A great achievement

[3 July 2004]

I wholeheartedly agree with Dr. KuBRick's excellent review of this film. 120 of Sodom is a horrible experience, a film that no-one who has seen it will soon forget. It is difficult to watch, and I certainly have no desire to see it again anytime soon.

But that does mean that this is bad film, or that it deserves to be banned. I think that any adult who seriously loves cinema should watch this film at least once, if only to achieve a wider understanding of what films are capable of doing.

This film is a political statement, but more importantly, it is a call for everyone in the audience for self-examination. This film shows the incredible moral depths that human beings are capable of sinking to. Our duty as the audience is to ask ourselves: "what can we do to make sure that we, or others in our society, never make themselves guilty of anything like these monstrosities again?"

Saló: 120 Days of Sodom is one of the most disturbing films ever made. It is also one of the most courageous and important.

Sid and Nancy (1986)

These people don't deserve a film of their own

[19 June 2004]

First of all, I should say that director Alex Cox's first film "Repo Man", is nothing less than my ALL TIME favorite movie. So I was prepared to like this film, even cut it a little slack. But I just found frustrating.

I'd seen this before on television, about a decade ago. I guess at the time I was more suspectible to heroin glamour, because I at the the time I thought it was great. Not so anymore.

For losers with no identity of their own all over the world, Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen are a glamorous, doomed couple too beautiful for this world. In reality, Vicious was a totally useless idiot, left semi-retarded by his mother intravenous drug use during pregnancy. He had no musical talent or even technical ability (the bass tracks on The Sex Pistols only album were played by the previous bassist, whom Malcolm MacLaren fired for having a too clean-cut image) -- the only thing he was ever good at was destruction, especially self-destruction. Spungen herself was an equally self-destructive, co-dependent harpie who only wanted someone to drag down with her into her inevitable downward spiral.

I don't have a problem with anyone making a film about a love affair between two down-and-out junkies, but the heroin chic of some scenes (particularly the one where Sid&Nancy are kissing on some alley, while sickly-sweet sentimental music plays and garbage falls out of the sky) made me sick. Is taking heroin and throwing your life away really so cool and romantic?

The first half of the film is actually not that bad, but as soon as the Pistols break up and Nancy shows up and starts her screeching, all we are left with are with endless fighting and screaming, followed by tearful reconciliation and (god forbid) sex scenes. All of it set against a backdrop of incredible misery and squalor. Once again, I wouldn't mind it all if Cox hadnt made the mistake of making it all seem oh so romantic.

Nick Kent, the music writer that Vicious is depicted in this film as beating up in a club (in fact, Vicious hit him on the head with a rusty bicycle chain in a back alley, thus earning the name "vicious") concluded his piece of Sid & Nancy with the words "let them rot". I agree. Don't bother to wíth this one, see "The Great Rock'n'Roll Swindle" instead.

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Much better than I expected

[11 June 2004]

After the poor "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" remake, I didn't really dare to expect much from this film. In addition, Romero's original is one of the best horror films ever made, so how could any remake hope to come close to matching that?

Well, the answer is, of course, that it simply cannot be done. So director Snyder does the only right thing instead: he doesn't even try. Dawn of the Dead '04 is based only loosely on the original, and it's ditched all the criticism of commercialism and discussions of racism and ignorance from the original (contemporary audiences probably wouldn't be able to understand them anyway). But that doesn't really matter, because this film has its own merits: it's a brilliant throwback to the times when horror movies genuinely were shocking. Dawn of the Dead is bloody, cruel and nihilistic, even genuinely scary at times. The movie moves along at a well developed pace, so that while the story doesn't really make all that much sense at times, one generally feels willing to ignore any minor problems.

The most annoying thing about this movie is that during the first half, there are way too many of those scenes where a character will be creeping down a dark hallway or whatever, then the music swells up towards a climax, and BOO!! out jumps the zombie. I suppose these bits were added just because certain segments of the audience expect them (so they have an excuse to grab their date to cop a feel). Thankfully, the latter half of the film eschews this most cliched of shock effects.

All in all, Dawn of the Dead marks the return of genuine horror movies, so if you're a horror fan, definitely checks this one out. However, if you like the "like Beverly Hills 10210, but somebody's got a big knife" kind of "horror" films, this just might be a bit much for you.

Van Helsing (2004)

Hilariously bad

[3/10 · 8 June 2004]

20 years from now, I'll probably be able to watch this train wreck of a movie again after a few drinks and laugh at it. I admit that I did get a few laughs this time around, too, but mostly I was just groaning in frustration.

The worst Dracula ever, the worst Frankentein's monster ever, the stupidest phallic big gun ever, and worst acting ever from Beckinsale and Jackman. It's a good thing that the director decided to focus on shots of Beckinsale's butt bouncing up and down instead of her acting, so there weren't too many of those "I've never been to the sea" moments.

All the performances are pitiful, but one of them stands above the rest in its sheer stupidity: David Wenham, who plays a retarded idiot for the benefit of other retards in the audience so they can laugh at him. He was the only one I felt sorry for.

The story is so nonsensical it seems as if they were making it up as they went along. There is, of course, a half-baked love story of sorts between Jackman and Benkinsale, but it's there just because it has to, not because it makes sense in any way. The ending will leave you wondering whether to laugh or cry.

In every way, Van Helsing is light years behind Hellboy, the other recent supernatural popcorn thriller. See that instead and leave this for a "bad movies" DVD night.