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russelljcatchpole
Reviews
Total Recall (2012)
One big yawn
I must be one of the few people on the planet that hasn't seen the original Total Recall, so I can review this film without any preconceptions of how good it needs to be to stand up against what, from the comments on here, was a classic.
Well unfortunately this film completely failed to hold my attention. There were some impressive cgi effects from the start, and masses of action, in fact it was non stop action, to the point where it became pointless. The lacklustre acting from all the main players was only greyed out by the utterly drab script, and a 'story' as deep as the skin on a pot of paint that's been left open for an hour - which incidentally, would have been a more exhilarating experience than watching this film.
Signs (2002)
I thought it was a comedy at first, then I realised it's just truly awful!
I am gobsmacked at the rave reviews for this film. I just finished watching it & I feel I've been cheated out of 2 hours of my life. There is nothing to like about this film whatsoever, there wasn't even a single scene that I enjoyed, or moved me in any way.
The invasion plot has been done 1000 times before, but this has to be the worst incarnation ever. Sorry but I can't get into a story where the aliens have travelled across the universe, but they can't break through a wooden door! Oh and at the end we discover something they are averse to, which is something that is rather difficult to avoid on planet Earth, so why the hell did they come here?
The film's main theme of faith / coincidence / fate / chance etc., Is acted out with more cheese than a bag of Whatsits. There is no action at all, none, not even a proper fight scene. The alien (yes they could only afford one on the $72 million budget!) was just a bloke in a skin suit with long fingernails. I can only guess Mel Gibson charged a whopping $25 million of the $72 million, because he really didn't want to be a part of this embarrassing waste of celluloid. Anyway he made up for it with a masterclass in overacting, cheesy, mumbled, dreary lines in utterly laughable situations.
So no, this review doesn't contain spoilers, there's nothing to spoil.
The Edict (2017)
Truly awful!
From the outset this film is just a laughable bunch of suspense/horror cliche's badly taped together. The story line (if you can call it that) could have been written by a 5 year old. Dionysius Akeem comes across as a really nice guy, but his acting is so plastic, it's like watching a robot perform. I have seen better in high school productions. Jessica David's character is more engaging and makes a believable job of somebody going nuts, in spite of the terrible story she is playing out.
If I bothered to think about the story a little more, I would ask myself how the main character could be the last person to visit somebody just before they commit suicide, but the police haven't come looking for him? Really?
Oh and finally, if you do watch this, you will either need to do it when your neighbours are out, use the subtitles, or wear headphones You will need to have the sound up so hight to hear the faint, mumbled dialogue, but the MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS WILL BE BREAKING YOUR WIDOWS!!!
Collateral Beauty (2016)
Too many meaningless deep quotes
First the good points, the big name cast more than live up to expectations. The music score is a nice mix of songs with some very Hans Zimmer'ish incidental music, in fact so much so, some of it sounds likes it's ripped directly from the Inception soundtrack!
Ok, now bad points; I had high hopes for this film after reading some of the glowing reviews. Sadly it was wasted on me, and my wife. The whole concept of three actors playing love, death and time was just pointless and seemed to be of little relevance in the end anyway. The film is full of deeply emotional scenes containing what are supposed to be highly prophetic lines, but to be honest, it's like somebody copied & pasted a load of cheesy facebook memes into the script. The worst of all is 'Collateral beauty', sorry but it's just meaningless!
God forbid, if I had lost a child I think I would probably find this quite patronising.
Hold the Dark (2018)
Gave up after 1 hour
Having recently taken out a Netflix free month, I have been checking out some of the Netflix commissioned films. This one is the worst I have seen by far. From what I can make of the plot, it's completely absurd. It's almost impossible to know whats going on because much of the film is in almost total darkness, but then you find out later when a piece of plastic dialogue explains what just happened in the dark. The plot just got a whole lot more absurd 1 hour in, which is why I called time on it.
My recommendation is to find a nice patch of grass and watch it grow for 2 hours. It will be more entertaining.