plonty_2000 Reviews

Little Nicky (2000)

It is what it is.

[5/10 · 20 October 2002]

The tagline about Little Nicky having never "slept over some dude's house" is far and away the funniest thing about the whole ordeal. That's a funny tagline, I say! The rest of it looks like Adam Sandler and his buddies took too many drugs and forgot to go over the ideas they came up with while they were on drugs later on while not on drugs to make sure they would be funny to people viewing the film later who themselves may or may not be on drugs. Oddly, and I can't explain it really, but I have a weird feeling that this movie is going to age well. In five or six years I think "Little Nicky" will look better and will seem funnier. If you haven't seen it yet, wait a while. The film has something in common with the process of dying, in that it's better than "The Waterboy" and "Big Daddy". So I'll give it that.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)

How come this happened?

[5/10 · 20 October 2002]

I don't remember this movie being much good, but I just wanted to mention something to the effect that who would ever have guessed that a completely forgotten chintzy comedy like this would ever have spawned a huge hit television series 8 years later? This gives me a lot of hope for Weekend At Bernies!

The Gift (2000)

Eh, The Gift. Eh.

[5/10 · 14 October 2002]

Well, "The Gift". There it is. "The Gift". It sure is a movie. I mean, everybody's fine in it and all, but eh. Keanu Reeves probably does the best acting job, when you take into account his acting potential and weigh it against his actual performance, I mean. We know these other people can do a good job, as they have done so in the past. Keanu, though I can't say I have one solitary thing against him in any real personal sense, has never really done a good job at too many things. So, given that I was properly sort of scared at his portrayal of an abusive redneck husband, then kudos to you, Keanu Reeves! Oh yeah, the movie: It's boring! We get to see Giovanni Ribisi ("My Two Dads") reprise his beloved role of "Daniel" from "The Other Sister", though, so I guess all is not lost.

The Sopranos (1999–2007)

Words will not help!

[10/10 · 14 October 2002]

There aren't any words that are any good for describing how (word meaning really really good) this show is. All I can say really is that it's the best show that has ever been broadcast on television. It's better than every other show. A lot better. Every bit of hype you hear about it is absolutely accurate. If you haven't started watching this show yet, turn off your computer, get your coat, and drive to the video store right now. You don't have a whole lot of time on this earth, and don't you dare die before you get to see this show. There's no point in singling out any particular performances because they're all exactly what they need to be and far more.

So like I said, get started.

Go (1999)

Like if UPN remade "Pulp Fiction".

[7/10 · 14 October 2002]

This is not to say that the movie isn't entertaining, because it certainly is. Unfortunately, when you take your plotline and you mix it all up, offering different viewpoints on the same basic timeframe, you're going to be maligned for stealing from "Pulp Fiction", because whether that movie invented that particular style or not...well, it sure seems like it did. But if you're going to rip off "Pulp Fiction", you could do worse than direct "Go", which is actually a much faster and tighter film. Some funny, some shooty, some druggy stuff. Nothing surprising for 1999. A good car chase. William Fichtner=pretty funny at times. Katie Holmes=hot. Except have you seen her on the new cover of some movie magazine I can't remember the name of? She's all Rene Russo now! Something happened to her face! I don't understand what happened! She should not have done that!!!!

"Go" is perfectly okay.

Stroker Ace (1983)

We'll live forever, knowing together that we did it all for the glory of Burt.

[8/10 · 14 October 2002]

I love old Burt Reynolds movies. They're funnier and better than every other movie combined. They might as well have stopped making movies after "Cannonball Run 2", but I guess how could they have known that there weren't going to be any more good ones? Man this movie's good. Burt Reynolds has to dress up like a chicken and drive around in a racecar a lot, and the luxuriant Loni Anderson is on hand, looking extremely hot in an eightiesly way. Burt and Loni, those were the days! I used to have this magazine that had Loni Anderson in it advertising for a vaccuum cleaner. I sure loved that advertisement! Plus there's this one part in the movie where the audience at the racetrack is upset at something Stroker Ace (Burty R.) is doing, and it shows one guy in the audience bending over and sticking his finger up his butt to display his disappointment! I laughed so hard I almost passed away into the night! If you can find this movie, rent it! And then never watch another movie again, because I tell you right now: there's no point.

Corky Romano (2001)

Wow.

[3/10 · 29 June 2002]

This is just about the worst comedy ever made. I don't even believe it exists. It's just a big trick on all of us. Someday all the copies of Corky Romano are just going to disappear from the shelves, and one day in some video store somewhere some guy's gonna be like "Hey, remember that crappy movie Corky Romano? I wonder whatever happened to that. I haven't seen any copies of that lying around in forever". And everyone in the world will hear this big, scary laugh coming out of the sky, and that'll be it for that.

One funny part: Corky accidentally takes cocaine and makes a weird retarded dolphin noise at some woman for like 5 minutes. I laughed, a genuine laugh, and then became sullen and withdrawn for the rest of the evening.

A word of caution: Drinking does NOT help.

Getting There (2002 Video)

The glory of Toast!

[3/10 · 28 June 2002]

This movie made me want to eat my own face. I'm always excited by how attractive the Olsen Twins are becoming, and the thought of them as young women in their twenties is more encouraging by the day, so where this movie has both of them getting their driver's license...well, I'm just happy to see time passing by so quickly. However, wow! Their movies are BAD!

Clearly, I'm not the ideal audience for this. Not rich, not a girl, not 13, no acute brain trauma that I'm aware of. So I shouldn't have rented this expecting highbrow entertainment, or a steamy seduction scene. Rather, I was treated to smoldering montages of youths enjoying winter sports, miscommunicating as per various modes of transportation, eating at a buffet. And, yes, the wonderful boy-clown, Toast! Good, funny Toast! Toast is a young man who is given the distinct comedic trademark of unintentionally wetting meals that people are excitedly preparing to eat. This happens on more than one occasion, and is surely the high point of the film. God love you, Toast!

I want to stop thinking about this film, it really is making me want to cry. Loud, racking sobs. Oh. Oh.

On another note, and a rather unexpected one: This soundtrack for this movie isn't half bad! Seriously! (I was rather hoping to hear "Fashion Junior High" though. That song rules!)

L.I.E. (2001)

Pedophiles aren't such bad joes!

[7/10 · 28 June 2002]

This movie isn't too bad. It's one of those movies that tries to shock the average viewer with its casual approach towards taboo subjects (one of the characters is a kid who brags and jokes about actually having intercourse with his sister, which is so calculated to offend that it just seems dumb), kind of in the vein of "Kids" but a bit more plot-oriented. What saves it from being just some annoying look-at-me-I'm-scary-and-gross independent film is Brian Cox as Big John, who elicits just about every emotion possible from the viewer. I've said "viewer" twice already in this little write-up, and I'm very annoyed. Viewer viewer viewer-riffic! Viewer! So Brian Cox is great; in an early scene with Howie, the protagonist, he confronts him in the front seat of a car, and it's beyond uncomfortable. You have no idea what the guy is going to do, and that's a pretty rare attribute for most movie characters. Overall the acting is good, quite good really. The kids in it aren't annoying even when they're given potentially annoying things to say and do, and there's a lot of good little moments. The ending is not the best, but not bad enough to ruin the entire movie. I guess this was NC-17 just for the overall theme, because the language is pretty standard for your basic R-rated movie, and the pedophile stuff, apart from some graphic talk, isn't thrown in your face or anything. Not bad.

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

A long, boring video game.

[5/10 · 28 June 2002]

This movie is like watching your roommate play one of those stupid, neverending Final Fantasy games while for him to get killed so you can use the TV to actually watch something interesting. There's some cool stuff to look at here and there, and I was happy to see Sean Astin in a significant role, but after about an hour of watching little disfigured people running away from computer graphics, I'd had about enough. My guess is you'd like this a lot better if you're into the extremely long and thoroughly uninteresting books that accompany this particular series. The fonts are too small!

Nearly everything else I saw this year was better than this.

Boogie Nights (1997)

Best movie of the '90's

[10/10 · 28 June 2002]

Mmmmm-hmmmm.

For starting and re-starting so many worthwhile careers, and for entertainment value alone. Nothing in the '90's that I can think of at the moment was more fun to watch than this. Everything a good movie should be and then some.

Sleepers (1996)

not a lot of fun

[4/10 · 28 June 2002]

If you're going to make a movie that cries out against the raping and general mistreatment of children, then why make it appeal to child molesters? Not to say that if you enjoyed it, you're automatically a child molester, but the scenes depicting all the sexual torture and horribleness...the way everything was handled, I just wanted it all to be over, and you don't want people to feel that way about your movie, no matter what it's about.

On another unpleasant note, I used to work at a video store and a rather shady character who made a lot of interesting pornography choices kept asking if we had this movie in stock. I was relieved to inform him that we did not. It was the one day I was actually glad that we had such a meager selection.

Husbands and Wives (1992)

Yelling.

[3/10 · 28 June 2002]

Wanna watch people yell at each other? Here you go. This movie will make you feel like you've done something bad. Everyone in it is upset. I realize most people hate their families but come on, don't make a movie about it or anything. The plot is you shouldn't get married, I guess. It says that the movie was "written" but it seems like Woody Allen (he made this movie as well as some others) wanted to do some improv to make it seem all natural and whatnot, but the problem is none of the people he casted are any good at making up things to say. They're just like "BLARG YOU'RE A CRAPPY WIFE!" "SHUT UP DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" "WHAT NO ARE YOU CRAZY DIVORCE IS FOR LOSERS LIKE YOU!" "I HATE YOU I'M HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE!" "BLARG WHAT? WHERE IS HE I'LL KILL HIM AND I'LL KILL YOU PRETTY SOON AS WELL!" "WAAAH NOW I AM CRYING BECAUSE OF THE TERRIBLE THINGS!" "I AM DRUNK, HERE WHY DON'T I AWKWARDLY MANHANDLE YOU FOR AWHILE!" "I AM STILL CRYING!" It isn't very good. People might say it's good since Woody Allen made it, but from what I've seen his ratio of good to bad films is not overly positive. I did not enjoy myself nor was I moved to think of anything interesting because of it. This was also made back when it first started to be cool to move the camera around all crazy and frenetic in an attempt to suggest bewildering conflict. So it's EXTRA-annoying! Yay!

Labyrinth (1986)

Ludo smell!

[10/10 · 28 June 2002]

Not much to say about this one except that it's better than almost everything! I like "Labyrinth" better than shelter! Everyone in the world is sexually attracted to The Goblin King! I defy you to say that you are not!

I want to go shopping with Hoggle!

Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (1983)

Lay off the Ewoks!!!!

[10/10 · 28 June 2002]

Thanks to Kevin Smith, a bunch of geeks are running around saying that Return of the Jedi isn't any good because it's actually fun to watch. And oh no! Muppets are involved! That makes it bad! Everyone liked Return of the Jedi until someone in a Kevin Smith movie made a negative comment about it. Now all of a sudden people people look at you like you have some kind of disease if you mention how much you like it. This movie is so much better than anything Kevin Smith ever even considered creating that it boggles my mind that the man would even think of denouncing it. This movie is good fun! It's just as awesome as I remember it being when I was six! Enjoy this movie for what it is and stop stealing Kevin Smith's opinions! His aren't correct!

And that Ewok song at the end ruled! I bet you people don't even enjoy "Ewoks: Battle for Endor"!!!! I'm going to set you all on fire!

The Pit (1981)

Thought-provoking documentary; better than food

[10/10 · 28 June 2002]

Well this gross kid, abused by everyone, seeks solace in his talking evil teddy bear from hell who tells him about this hole in the woods full of "trollilogs". He's like "Go check out this hole, I'm serious about the trollilogs." So the kid takes a break from looking at people's boobs to go look for this hole, and it turns out that the teddy bear wasn't fooling around; there really is a hole with hairy, crap-covered guys in it, and they want him to throw handicapped women into the hole for them to eat. So he does. He also lets them eat a guy in bad-looking shorts who likes to awkwardly throw footballs. And probably a couple other people, I don't remember. Anyway, it's fun watching people push this kid off his bike, and it's fun watching him subsequently feed them to trolls. Not one second of this movie is either good or boring. Some guy bought it off this video store I worked at for $50.00. That is right: fifty smackaroonies. He could have bought so much food with that. But instead he bought "The Pit". Yup.

The Perfect Storm (2000)

Two hours of water hitting a window.

[1/10 · 13 February 2001]

I know the majority of the reviews here have said it already, but personally I think it bears repeating: The movie is inexcusably poor. The only way I could have enjoyed this movie less would have been if the characters had lived. It's a terrific concept: take a bunch of jerks, throw them on a boat, and watch them act dumb and die. Sorry, spoiler. Too late. You'll thank me later for saving you the trouble of sitting through it. Annoying acting, the worst script ever, the worst child actor ever, stupid-looking fish being mutilated, and the excitement of water. You could go on a log flume ride at Six Flags and have 79238749238472389 times as much fun.

The inadequacies of my native tongue prevent me from truly expressing the extent of my hatred for this thing that sucks too much to deserve a noun that describes it and it only. I would not deign to call it "crap", because I don't want to hurt the feelings of the makers of other films (such as "Mannequin 2") that are clearly crap but in no way as bad as this. Not even John C. Reilly and William Fichtner can save it. In fact, they do their best to ensure that it sucks worse than almost anything ever has, right along with everyone else involved.

Without question it's extremely unfortunate that people actually died in this horrible storm, but at least now they don't have to sit through this. What a miserable, insulting epitaph.

Chuck & Buck (2000)

Very well-done. Will make you sick for a wide variety of reasons.

[10/10 · 3 January 2001]

Wow! Mike White! Probably the best performance I have ever seen in any movie about anything. The whole time he's on, you're aware of him and you're aware of yourself and of everyone in the room and everyone you know. Just looking at his face, you instantly realize "I am a crazy perverted maniac and I must be stopped before I do some awful, to myself, to others..." It really is a scary movie. And funny, and sad. The digital video it was shot on makes the look of the movie especially troubling. It's washed out and pasty looking. Watching it makes you feel like you've been in bed masturbating for five years, which I think is precisely what the movie wants you to feel like. This movie is really put together well. Whether it be positive or negative, I guarantee you will feel something, watching this movie, and the feeling will be extreme. It's a rare breed: you can't wait for the movie to be over, and somehow that's a good thing. Brimming over with supreme discomfort and true love, the movie has been unfairly denounced in some circles for equating homosexuality with infantilism and dementia, which is probably the only way critics could think of to get back at the film for making them feel so creepy and weird. It's a character study; clearly the character of Buck was not written to represent the average homosexual man, and it's bewildering that anyone would think of him as a condemnation of the homosexual lifestyle. He is what he is because he hasn't been exposed to anything else. In a way, you can't really even call him a homosexual: He's a Chucksexual. Chuckual? It doesn't matter; the movie is smart, funny, and tremendously well-written. The fact that it was made at all, and found some success, gives one hope for the usually sorry state of movies today. Go track it down.